Tired To My Core

This is my planning period and I've planned as much as my brain will allow.  This is not a profound statement by any means but rather an observation.  Grieving is hard work.  Trying to just put one foot in front of the other without falling flat on your face is...well pretty time-consuming.  These are some observations I will share (at no cost to you)...People greet me every day at various times of the day, in various settings, pretty much a rhetorical question..."How are you doing today?"  or "Are you having a good day?" or "Did you have a great week-end?"  Summer?  You fill in the blank.  I know no answer is really expected so I don't feel I have to say anything more than "Hey, how are you?" or "Hi" and skip the answer to the rhetorical question.  Ever fiber of my body wants to scream MY DAUGHTER DIED 23 DAYS AGO!  HOW DO YOU THINK I AM DOING?" but our social conventions don't allow that type of behavior so I just say "Good".  I've thought about wearing a big button like the football moms wear that says "My Daughter Lynda just died" so please don't ask me if I'm having a great day.  I'm just trying to make it through the day.  Strangers don't know I've lost a child.  Friends are just exchanging pleasantries.

I am tired.  No, I'm exhausted.  I know Russ is worn completely out from doing his job and taking care of me, too.  My brain is tired.  My back is tired.  My concentration and memory weren't the best in the world before August 3rd but now I struggle to remember how to do the simplest things.  You'll be happy to know that I don't drive so you can breathe a sigh of relief about that one.  I just want to lay down and rest without having to think about anything and I'd like to do it according to when my body says it's tired not according to when I'm off work.  I love my job.  I love my kids.  I'm just not one of those people that getting right back to work is therapeutic but I am one of those people who wants to eat each month and pay my ever mounting bills.  My principal has been totally supportive about coming back when I'm ready and has not put any pressure on me which is a blessing.  Those I work with have been great and having Russ in the same room with me is awesome.  But did I mention, I'm tired.  Emotionally, physically and just about any other way I can think of to describe it.  God sustains me.  I know that I will get through this phase of my life and the aches and pains that go along with it.  I just wish that the world would stop spinning for just a little while with all of the problems that go along with  not having enough money to meet all of our present needs, that there was a quota for how many family problems could occur during one period of time and I didn't have to keep reminding myself that one day soon there will be a big envelope in the mailbox and in it will be a death certificate with Lynda's name on it.

I am thankful to have a job that I love.  I'm thankful that I know that I will have an evening meal and that I have a comfortable bed to jump right into as soon as I get home (oh and with three cute dogs who will be so happy to see me)...please continue to pray for Russ and me.  We know that God is carrying us right now and so thankful that he is!!!