My Little Angel Dressed in White

This was Lynda's first Christmas with us in 1975.  She had just turned four.  She looked like a little angel in her white dress and that blond hair.  I'm looking at this picture right before I go to sleep.  I would so love to dream about Lynda tonight.  Before she died I used to dream of her often and she was always able to speak.

I dream of seeing Lynda again one day for real.  In heaven.  Right now I would just love to see her in my dreams.  Thinking about Lynda at least helps me to fall asleep sometimes.  I'm sure when I do dream about her it will be a total surprise.

I have a granddaughter, Morgan who will be turning four this January.  It's just hard to wrap my mind around the fact that Lynda would have been 42 this September.  Equally difficult to grasp is that we have six grandchildren that are around the ages that Lynda came to live with us.  Of course I look at them and memories of Lynda at that age are sure to follow. 

Thank you Lord for Meghan, Morgan, Mason, Graysen, Kaden and Karson.  Thank you that they are healthy, happy and loved.

Give Thanks With a Thankful Heart

 It's the season of giving thanks and of spending time with family.  I was thinking about where all of the family is scattered across the United States now.  With a blended family the scheduling gets even more complicated.

As Russ and I were driving back from supper last night, I was thinking about the upcoming birthdays of the grandchildren and our children when they were young.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  That's why grief is so tricky.  I think I'm handling my emotions pretty well but four months hasn't allowed enough time to live through my first Thanksgiving without Lynda or the first Christmas.

The holidays were one of the first things I thought of after Lynda died.  What I had NOT thought about until tonight on our way home was that no matter how many times we try to get all of our grown children and their families together, we will never be able to have everyone home at the same time.  We won't have any more family pictures made that include Lynda and for some reason I'd never thought of that until tonight.

Just about everyone has experienced the loss of someone they love.  Grief doesn't follow a pattern or a chart.  It's not always the obvious that will bring us to our knees.  I think this is one of the reasons that it's difficult for men to understand what a woman is going through with the loss of a child.  I think it's equally as hard for a woman to really understand the type of grief a man experiences.  It may also be the reason that some people don't understand why the thought of a family picture never including your oldest child again would be a big deal when you had just left the cemetery where she is buried.

I don't have the answers.  I think for me pictures have been such an important part of my saying good-bye to Lynda.  I relived every memory that I could using those precious photo memory prompts. From the first day I met her until the last.  It isn't a one time journey through my Lynda memories.  I will visit there time and time again.

My mind wanders to Lynda growing up, the age she was when Kevin was born and Lynda a year after Kris was born...so many special moments in our lives.  I try to steer away from the memories of the trials that she survived because they are so hard to remember.  Yet, they are part of her life.  Those memories of the injustices she endured helped up celebrate all of the kindness in her world...and there was an abundance of good. 

Russ and I took mother to Cracker Barrel for Thanksgiving lunch today.  At 11:30 there was a two hour wait.  We went to Ryan's and moved through the lines like fish in a barrel.  It was what I needed though.  Mother kept saying that she had bought everything to cook for Thanksgiving but I couldn't explain to her the feeling of claustrophobia that I would have had sitting at the same table that has two empty chairs now---my Daddy's and Lynda's.  She would tap on the table and he would say "service.  Lynda wants service".  LOL  They made a great team.  I know that they are together this Thanksgiving in heaven with Larry and his parents, all of Daddy's siblings and parents....it's a good thing God has a really big table.

I don't have to even wonder where my heart is.  It has always been with Lynda and it always will be.  God makes mothers with hearts that can grow to include any number of children and at the same time break when one is gone.   She will forever live in my heart and when she went to heaven she took a piece of my heart with her.  My heart won't be really complete until I see Jesus, wrap my arms around Lynda and our hearts are touching again.  For the promise that this is not just a dream but the reality that Jesus died for....I have a heart of thanksgiving today.

Greetings From Heaven

I just got off the phone with my mother about Thanksgiving.  She wants to cook and I want to go to Cracker Barrel.  She's 90 but I win. 

She was telling me about the "latest Lynda story".  While she was rereading the blog entry I wrote about Lynda and Grandmother, a John Denver song came on and it was one of Lynda's favorites. 

Mother said she felt like Lynda was trying to tell her something and she felt like Lynda was with her the rest of the day and the next.

That's the incredible thing about miracles...big and small.  If you realize one when you experience it you find they are all around.  Our God is in the smallest details of our lives.  Just as I believe He spoke to Lynda and provided comfort to her through the Holy Spirit and angels when she was on earth....I also know that He sends us little whispers of our loved ones after they are safe in His arms. 

Everywhere I look I see God and everywhere I look I'm reminded of Lynda.  My mother has never believed that these occurrences were anything but coincidences until the one magnolia blossom appeared on the tree after Lynda died.  Now she's open to the possibility....the possibility that these are not coincidences at all. 

Life Was So Different

                                                                                                 

                                                                                                                                                                                 Last November, I had spent the summer taking care of my mother and quite honestly there were several times that I didn't expect her to make it.  She came home from the hospital in August, just a few days before Russ and I started back to school.  She had home health care nurses but she was still walking with a walker and we weren't really sure if I would be teaching the year or not. 

Lynda's Daddy, Larry had struggled from the first of February when he suffered a fall and was taken to the emergency room and found to have pneumonia.  His health was already poor and he had congestive heart failure and diabetes but he had lost a lot of weight in the months prior and had been feeling better.  By early June, his health has spiraled down and he passed away the Sunday before Father's Day.

Never once did I think about Lynda being sick because she had been in good health for the years prior.  My mother celebrated her 90th birthday on February 1st of this year and I poured myself into trying to teach my class.  If you've been following Lynda's blog, you know the rest of the story of how Lynda joined Larry in heaven 14 months after he left this world at age 69.  

There aren't many days that I don't think of Larry especially since Lynda died.  There were so many things I would have liked to ask him if he remembered since he and I shared some of the memories of Lynda's early years that no one else did.  And then there's Christmas and the memories of him singing the Messiah in his beautiful tenor voice.  For his mother as long as she lived, he went home to Florence to sing Oh, Holy Night at her church.  Yet, after his death among hundreds of recordings he had we could not find a single recording of him singing Oh, Holy Night.  It doesn't matter because I can still hear him singing it just as I can hear Lynda saying " Nana, huh?" in her sweet little voice.  So  Christmas 2012 was a bittersweet one.  Mother was spending the holidays with us and for that we were thankful but she, Russ and I all missed Larry who had always been a part of our Christmas even after he and I were no longer married.  

Kris wasn't able to come home for Christmas because he had come home during spring break.  That trip was the last time he saw his Dad alive.  God is so good.  We skyped with Kristopher Christmas morning but I missed him since it had been two years since I'd seen him.   I worried about mother and I was just exhausted so I took presents out to Lynda at NMRC earlier but I didn't get her to bring her home.  I was so worried that it was going to be mother's last Christmas with me that I kept thinking, I'll spend time with Lynda later.  I think I slept almost all of Christmas break from shear exhaustion.  Oh, how I wish this Christmas was last Christmas.  Life was so different this time last year. 

 So different. 

Now for almost four months I've wondered what I was going to do this Christmas.  Again I am exhausted.  I've always shopped for Lynda as I see things I think she'd like so I already have pink flannel snowman sheets for her bed and a new Christmas sweater hanging in our winter clothes closet.  I have loved Christmas since I was a little girl...the lights, the magic of the season and the traditions.  Christmas has a completely different meaning this year.  I'm skipping most of Christmas.  Thankfully we will be able to spend time with Russ's son Kelly who lives just miles from us.  I'm giving up the expectations of it being a Christmas that I can just turn off my longing to see all of my children during the season--the son in Olive Branch, the son in Denver, the step-daughter in Lake Charles and the daughter who is now in heaven.  I don't want to remember how it was and I don't know if my heart is strong enough to go through the holiday as if everything is normal.  Where I've always had a Christmas book since the children were little with what they wanted for Christmas, what Santa brought and a million other details that made our hectic house run smoothly on Christmas morning--it won't be that kind of a Christmas this year.  Every year in the beginning of my "Christmas Book", I write about the changes in our lives during the time since last Christmas.  The new babies born, the new home locations, what happened during the year that was important.  Some Christmas Eves, we get out all of the Christmas books and take a long walk through memory lane.  It is a rich experience and one that is sometimes hard to look back at Christmas 1999 which was my Daddy's last Christmas or read the entry I made last Christmas about Larry.  There are pictures of the grands as they were added to the family and a documentation of our lives throughout the year. Being so close to the end of the year and the beginning of a new one it's just natural to use Christmas as a marker of the end of another year and the promise of a brand new year a week later.  I've made the decision to sit out a lot of the things that usually are a part of Christmas.  There are several Christmas songs I will turn off of the radio the second they begin.  I'm going to take the season one day at a time and reflect on the things that are most important.  I choose joy. 

I've given myself permission to lower the expectations of doing everything like I've always done them Christmas after Christmas.  I've given this a lot of thought in the days and months since Lynda died and I've made a choice to celebrate the birth of Jesus.  I've decided to really celebrate what the birth of this baby means to me this year in a more personal way than ever before.  This is Lynda's first Christmas in HEAVEN!  It's her first Christmas celebrating with JESUS!  While she is listening to the angel choirs worship our Heavenly Father I cannot even begin to imagine the scene.  While I have always been thankful that Jesus left heaven and came to earth to be born as a human baby and lived and died for my sins, this year this age old story repeated each December is even more personal.  My Lynda is there with Jesus and how can I be sad when she is in paradise? 

  I have a choice and I choose joy.  Joy for the big picture.  Joy that doesn't mean tears won't occasionally fall.  Memories aren't all we have now because we have a hope that transcends all of the sadness and draws our eyes to heaven. Thinking about my sweet Lynda being in heaven this Christmas aware of everything going on around her makes me want to fall to my knees and thank God over and over for sending His precious son to die for mankind.  I read the Bible story we have heard so many times before with a new thirst to try to comprehend the love He has for us and I know this Christmas is going to be a special one.  It isn't going to be like all the others.  It will be a quiet kind of meditation instead of the hectic pace of the mall searching for gifts for people who have everything. 

I will probably miss a lot of gatherings because my emotions aren't reliable and will twist my heart into a knot without a second's notice.  I'm not trying to hurry it up to get it over with or skip it altogether (although I did give some thought to the idea), instead I want to begin some new traditions.  I may pull out the box of ornaments that cradle the precious ornaments Lynda made as a child or were given to her by someone special in her life.  I may buy a few more angel ornaments this year than the snowmen I bought last year.  I'll spend more time taking angels off the angel trees to give back to someone who needs help this year because helping others will fill some of the emptiness that Lynda left in my heart.  Mostly I think I'll spend time dreaming of what Christmases to come will be like when I too am able to celebrate in heaven with Jesus and will be reunited with Lynda.

This Christmas will be different than any I've ever had because I now have a child in heaven.  And since I've never experienced this before I have no idea exactly what to expect.  I just know that this will be an unscripted time with no deadlines or expectations that I've put on myself.  I will be walking totally by faith with my eyes toward heaven and ever diligently looking for God's miracles of grace and mercy along the way.

Thanks for the support

We feel very blessed to be able to tell Lynda's story to viewers from around the world.  We encourage you to leave comments and email us to tell us about your special needs child.  We've met several of you already.  In about a week, Lynda will have been in paradise for four months.  She will be celebrating her first Christmas in heaven and we our first Christmas without her.

Since one of the hardest parts of losing a loved one is the fear that she will be forgotten....you all have helped us in our grief process during the past months and hope you will continue to follow Lynda's blog.

Wise Words from Charlie Brown

How can a cartoon capture the essence of how I feel?  That's exactly what I'd like to do.  I would even be happy if every night I could dream about Lynda and hug her in my dreams.

I do close my eyes and get lost in the memory of how she felt when I hugged her or I lay next to her or how she patted me on the back when we walked together.  

I savored the first time she hugged me and every single one that followed.  I was devastated when she had the stroke and couldn't hug anymore.  Lynda still had hugs inside her that turned into pats on the back or on the arm.  They were love pats.  God didn't allow her ability to give and receive love and to express it to be robbed from her along with her speech and other functions.

The most precious memories we have are some from the Friday Lynda was removed from life support and she patted Russ and me both on the arms as we sat by her bed and rubbed on her and talked to her.  She played for a while with her Happy Face Rattle and although her eyes were closed she knew her people were there.  Did she somehow know it was time to say good-bye for now?  I don't know.  I do know that the minute I got into the bed with her in the emergency room when she was gasping for breath and coughing so badly they knew she would have to be on a respirator....as I wrapped my arms around her and said "Lynda, Nana is here"....her breathing immediately returned to normal and I could feel her body relax and for a minute her breathing was not labored.  It was one of the most incredible experiences God has shared with me.  For 30 years I've always wondered if she really did recognize my voice and my touch or if I was imagining it because of how badly I wanted it to be true. On July 30, 2013 God answered that haunting question for me.  He confirmed something that only He knew how important that answer was to me.

Days later as we removed Lynda from life support and were able to remove all of the tubes and free her hands, she took her favorite toy and played with it one last time and patted us in her way that for 30 years has signified her expression of love, thanks, and approval all rolled into one.  She also retained the ability to pinch me to let me know that she was still inside that broken body and she felt pain.  Another answer from God that confirmed  my decision to not fight the advanced cancer and to remove her from the life support.   As her mother, I could tell my her movements and her breathing that she was still in pain regardless of the sedation.  God again allowed Lynda to communicate through her unique system of making sure I knew when she was in pain by pinching me.  I smiled when she did it and considered it a sign that she was tired of the pain and just plain tired.  Freeing her from this earth's pain so she could finally soar on the wings of angels was made easier when I was sure that she was not being made comfortable.  She had just been restrained because of all of the tubes and was unable to tell me to convey her pain to me in a tangible way.

All of these things that went unnoticed by anyone but Russ and me helped me make the hardest decisions I've had to make in my life with the exception of when my Daddy was dying.  I wanted to keep her longer since she was off the vent and able to play with her comfort toy.  Had we waited longer to start the pain medications she would have probably lived a few days longer.  I could have had more time next to her in the bed instead of standing over her tangled in tubes.  But it wasn't about me.  It was about her.  It was about those pinches just a few minutes before we moved her upstairs to hospice.  It was about my last gift I could give my daughter, medication to dull her pain and to allow her to go peacefully to be with Jesus.

How I miss those hugs though and this little cartoon says it all.  How I wish I could pick her up from my dreams and hug her.  Instead I hold the heart with her name and the little angel wings that I wear around my neck and I read the stamped words...carried to heaven on the wings of angels and I feel her sweet presence in my heart.

Every day I Am Thankful For Lynda

For every day that God has allowed me to be Lynda's Nana here on earth...I am indeed thankful.  She has changed my life and taught me more about what really matters in life than anyone can imagine.  I am even more thankful that Jesus has sealed my name in the book of life along with Lynda's.  He has promised that we will see each other again.

We all have so much to be thankful for if we are children of God.  No matter what comes our way in this life we know that this is nothing more than a blink in eternity.  This Thanksgiving I'm especially thankful that my little girl is healthy, happy and perfect in every way.  No matter how much I miss her and love her I will forever be thankful that God loves her more.

I have so much to be thankful for this year as I did the year before and all of the years before that.  No, this has not been as easy year.  It has been some of the most difficult days I've ever walked on this earth.  God never promised us that life would be easy.  He never said it would be fair.  He never wants us to be so comfortable here that we lose sight of what is really important and that is life eternal.  Satan wants us to complain and continue to want more and more of what this world has to offer.  God says His grace is enough.

When I lay in the bed holding my child as she took her last breath all I could do was thank God for His mercy and His infinite wisdom.  As my heart was breaking it was also rejoicing that I had witnessed the miracle of life when Lynda's spirit left her broken little body and soared on angels wings with Jesus to Paradise.

I will forever be her mother.  She will always be my child.  She just lives at a different address now.  This Thanksgiving Lynda is in heaven where I know every single minute of every single day is devoted to giving thanks to Jesus for loving us enough to die for our sins.

We barely blink at Thanksgiving as far as taking time to really take an inventory of our blessings.  I love the old song "Count Your Blessings name them one by one.  Count your blessings see what God has done."  I am so thankful that God sends us special people to help open our eyes and redirect us in this crazy journey called life.

Interesting Statements Throughout the Years

Throughout the years that I was Lynda's mother (here on earth) I've had some really interesting (and often irritating) comments made to me throughout the years.  Some of so absurd I had to laugh and some were so maddening that I had to laugh or cry to avoid a long stay at Parchman.

This is one of my all time favorites that people used to ask me. They would also ask my mother.  "Have you turned the little girl back in?"  Or they'd ask my mother at the beauty shop, "Has Kathy turned the little girl in?"
                                                                                Or, Do you still have the little girl?"  "Turning her in" was most commonly used and I'm not talking about one or two people.  I'm talking about many people over and over again.  I never understood it.  It always reminded me of a library book that might be overdue.  When we adopted Lynda it was for keeps.  A forever home for a forever child.  Even as a foster child we wouldn't have "turned her back in".  They might have taken her from us but it would not have been a pretty sight.

I have explained about Lynda's passion for tearing her diapers into tiny pieces of white fluff securing her name of "Snow Queen" for life and how many layers of protection we had to put into her room to keep her safe.  To someone who isn't used to raising a child with special needs it may sound overwhelming.  At times, it may even be overwhelming to those of us who are experienced.  What many people don't understand is that for me (and the majority of parents with kids with disabilities) those things don't make us mad at the child.  When a child like Lynda has no idea what she is doing when she tears her diaper into tiny fluffy pieces (whether it's a fresh diaper or a soiled one) I didn't get mad at her.  Did I like cleaning poop off of every surface of her room and soaking her fingernails in rubbing alcohol to kill the smell?  Nope, wasn't my favorite activity.  Nor is it for zillions of other parents of kids with special needs or teachers of children with special needs.  We don't love that particular activity (or any number of others we could name) but we do love the child. 

I once took her to a neurologist who was late for her appointment and we had waited and waited in a tiny room during Lynda's usual lunch time.  When he came in and began examining her, she bit him.  No one is thrilled about being bitten by a five year old with or without disabilities but his comment hit the wrong nerve with me.  He said I needed to teach her not to bite and went on and on about it.  Now it seems to me that someone who becomes a pediatric neurologist would expect to work with children with neurological problems including children with autism.  Behavior issues should not be a big surprise to someone in that particular profession especially if you're the one who has made the patient wait for an extra hour.  If you know me, it will not be a surprise to know that I told him exactly that and then never used him again.  Oh, and interestingly when I told him we had moved from the Pensacola area he said he had a good friend, John Axley who was a neurologist there.  Not a surprise to me that the two of them were friends.  Dr. Axley was the one we saw when Lynda was in Sacred Heart and he kept telling me that I should just go home and get some rest and come back to get her at the end of the week.  No touch with the reality of the needs of a child with autism in a hospital. 

I wish that I could tell you that all special needs children have parents with the mental stability to understand that some behaviors (such as the ones I described above) demonstrated by children like  Lynda who was severely disabled with autism are part of the disability and not a premeditated attempt to run them crazy.  I wish I could say no teachers are ever abusive to children like Lynda and many others in our public schools. The fact of the matter is that children with disabilities are more likely to be abused than any other group of children.

I made a choice to adopt my daughter with special needs.  I wasn't prepared for it but it was something I wanted to do.    Many people are not expecting to parent a special needs child and they may not feel they have options.  Just as Lynda's parents relinquished custody for Lynda to us that is always an option for a parent who cannot meet the needs of a child with autism without being physically abusive.  There are many more resources available now than back in the 1970's when Lynda became my daughter but there are still not enough.  Parents of children with autism need our support.

I've often wondered why the people asked me repeatedly if we'd "turned her back in"?  I know we were told by many people that adopting a child with special needs would ruin our lives, wreck our marriage and that I was too young to take on such responsibility that would likely last many years.  I was told that I was just young and idealistic.  They were right.  I was just 22 when I first became Lynda's Nana and I was idealistic enough to believe that all children deserved a forever home and that with God's help I could do anything that He had called me to do.



I don't really consider that idealism.  I call it faith.  God calls it obedience.  Lynda knew it as love.  We called it one of the biggest blessings of our lives.

Our Present Sufferings

This is one of the many verses in the Bible that gives me comfort.  Comfort that the 41 years Lynda suffered here on earth are nothing compared to the glory that has been revealed to her when she met God her father, Jesus her brother, and the Holy Spirit who has interceded for us all since the beginning of time.

 Romans 8:14-21

Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
¹⁴ All those led by God’s Spirit are God’s sons. ¹⁵ For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father!” ¹⁶ The Spirit Himself testifies together with our spirit that we are God’s children, ¹⁷ and if children, also heirs—heirs of God and coheirs with Christ—seeing that^[a] we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

From Groans to Glory

¹⁸ For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us. ¹⁹ For the creation eagerly waits with anticipation for God’s sons to be revealed. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to futility—not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it—in the hope ²¹ that the creation itself will also be set free from the bondage of corruption into the glorious freedom of God’s children. 


GLORIOUS FREEDOM.  Lynda has glorious freedom forever and ever and the Bible says that all she suffered here is nothing compared to what she's experiencing now.  Praise God as He reveals a little more of heaven to me each day easing the pain of giving up my Lynda. 

Lynda and Her Red Nylon PJs

Look at this face.  The beautiful blond hair.  Her eyes look brown in the picture but they were a beautiful blue.  Larry and I took this picture ourselves.  He was an amateur photographer back in the days of doing your own developing and devoting a bathroom to the process.  We had a much better chance of getting a natural picture of Lynda than we did at a photographer's studio.

This was made before she went to Millcreek but she took this pair of pajamas with her when she went because they were her favorites.  It's easy to find nylon girl's gowns and pajamas now but back when Lynda was young they were rare.  Even rarer was finding a one piece pajama like this in the nylon material.  Lynda wore the nylon binding off of her purple blanket as she used it to rub while she sucked her thumb.  She loved, LOVED these pajamas because they had the "built in good feel" like her blanket.

When we went to Millcreek after the stroke while she was still in the hospital to try and find out exactly what happened, we asked them to get all of her clothes and possessions together.  We were sitting in a large board room when they brought me the small bag of her things.  Most of her things were missing.  The one thing I asked specifically about was this little pair of red pajamas because they had been so special to Lynda but they were gone.  With all of the major problems we had with Lynda's health at the time it just seemed like the final insult to her dignity to steal her clothes and toys.

Today I look at this picture and see the perfection in God's creation.  She was such a beautiful little girl who learned to enjoy being loved on and who had perfected the hugs and kisses that she gave back daily.  Three and a half months after she left this imperfect world I look at her picture and rejoice that she is eternally protected.  The weather here is dreary and we weren't able to work on putting her headstone on concrete or planting the pansies as we had planned.  I haven't even been to the cemetery today.  Instead I have been celebrating that God allowed me to know this sweet child and that she called me Nana.  I've tried to imagine with my human mind what heaven is like and what Lynda is doing today but it is just impossible to really grasp.

I wonder if she looks like the little girl in this picture or the grown up woman she would have looked like had she not had the stroke?  I know that I will recognize her immediately because the Bible tells me this truth.  Now my emotions fluctuate between thinking of what she was like as a little girl to dreaming about what she will be like when I see her again.  Both bring an anxiousness to get to heaven because this place is not my home any more than it was Lynda's.

 I'll live out my life as God calls me to do and know that the best is yet to come! 

Faith

Many days this has been all that has gotten me through the day.  Knowing that no matter where life led me with Lynda's illness, God was already where I would be required to go.  Ultimately knowing that I was losing Lynda but that where she was going God was already there....

Days are tough.  Nights are even tougher.  Regardless of how lonely I sometimes feel I take comfort in knowing that God knows every detail of my life from the beginning to the end and He is always there.

Broken Heart

Today was a good day at school and a difficult one all rolled into one.  My students are learning by leaps and bounds.  It is just awesome to be a teacher.  There are always bitter sweet moments.

Today one of my second graders looked my family picture with all five of our kids and asked me to tell him what their names were.  He looked at Lynda's picture and started laughing and saying "He looks funny".  I said "Well, this is Lynda and she's a girl".  He said "Well, she looks funny.  What's wrong with her face?"  I explained to him that she was handicapped and she had a stroke and then tried to explain that.  He looked at me with complete seriousness and said "So, is that why she looks funny?"

It's the same picture that is on the first page of the blog.  Of course, to me Lynda was a beautiful little girl and even after her stroke she was beautiful to me.  I wasn't upset with my student.  He was being completely honest and with his own disability he didn't have the capacity for not saying exactly what was on his mind.  I think he was trying to say she look "different" but didn't know how to word it.  I think he understood when I explained she had been very sick and died this summer.  He asked me more about the other children (now adults) and I told him that they now were married and had children and he worked on understanding which two were my two boys and that the other two  were Russ's children.  He understood blended families.  He said "So she was your daughter before you married Mr. Russ" and I said "Yes".

I could feel the broken places in my heart hurt.  I wanted so badly to tell him all about her but I knew he was too young to understand any more than what I'd already talked about with him. 

It made my heart hurt for the loss of my precious child. 

The Power of One Day

Think about how true this is.  One day can change your world as you know it.  January 22, 1975 changed our lives when Lynda came to live with us.  September 17, 1979 changed our lives when Kevin was born.   January 23, 1982 changed our lives again when Lynda had a massive stroke.  Our lives were changed in a day when Kristopher was born on July 12, 1983.  And on and on it goes.  One day can change everything.  The most profound change occurred on August 3, 2013 when Lynda was  in my arms at 6:27 a.m. and in the arms of Jesus and in paradise in a blink of an eye.

Live as if THIS day can change everything because it's true. This is especially true for so many people who are teetering on the edge of the cliff trying to decide whether life is worth living or not.

Just hold on one more day.  One day can change everything!  Not every change is one that we would choose but we know that the Bible promises that all things work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes.  It's a matter of trust.

Lynda's Headstone Is Installed Today

Lynda's headstone was set today with the last day of green grass.  I'm sure tonight's lows in the 20's will kill the grass even if we covered it like we did for the two nights of frost.

We are happy that the headstone arrived but the men installing it decided to skip the step of putting concrete under the stone as we were told would be done and they pretty much turned the top part of the grave into a muddy mess.

We called the monument company and they were going to try and catch their workers and have them return to do it right but that didn't happen.

Russ and I both are in agreement that we're just going to do it ourselves.  The line of monuments of my granddaddy, grandmother, uncle and now Lynda look like a curvy line.  No two are in line with the corner markers and the spacing between Mama and Uncle Jack are way, way off.  My Granddaddy's stone is on a concrete slab but it's not attached so it moves when they mow and is always crooked.  Next week-end we're going to go out and install them all so they look like there was a plan.

An interesting thing about Lynda's headstone is that I had a male angel at the top.  When Gail did her drawing of the face of the angel and brought it to me to look at I just stared at it and then showed her the family picture with all five of the kids grown.  The angel she had drawn looked just like Kevin.  It still looks like him on the stone.  When I can get a close-up of the angel on the monument and a picture of Kevin I'll post it on Lynda's blog.  Gail had no idea when she was drawing the face of the angel that it was as if she had drawn a composite picture of Kevin and Kris, Lynda's brothers.

I am so happy that Lynda has a real headstone now.  It's still hard for me to comprehend but it's there with a representation of Lynda and her angels.  Etched into the wing of one of the angels I put Nana loves (heart) u---it is so special for me to have been able to etch it on her stone myself and a few other hearts on the wings.

Angel Monument We're Working Toward

 When we designed and purchased Lynda's headstone we had already decided what we wanted her large monument to look like.  We just have to save up to be able to add it to her site.  

There are many variations on the angel holding the black granite heart which can be color etched.  We've learned a lot about granite and monuments in three months.

Black granite is quarried in China or India.  It is all the gray color until polished.  Then it becomes this glossy black that can be etched in white or color can be added like Lynda's headstone.

The base can be any type you want rather than just what is pictured so we want the base like the one in the picture of the third angel that has the view from the back below it.  It will have that black base on both front and back so that we can add a Bible verse.  The angel at the bottom is available at the Pontotoc Monument Company where we've been working on Lynda's headstone.  I'm pretty sure they can order any of the other ones as well.  I like the top two angels because they have softer facial features and I think they come in two sizes.  The slightly smaller one would be good for Lynda's site.

Everything is expensive now a days and monuments are no exception.  There is a great deal of expense involved to get the stone from India or China, have it carved and polished.  I'm sure it is carved and polished mechanically but it's still a process that's costly.  When it's finally a monument and shipped to the monument company the personalization process begins with sandblasting words and etching.  It ends up running almost $5,000.  We are school teachers and paying for the funeral and the headstone is a stretch.  The money for the angel monument will be an on-going project of various ways Russ and I can make money for the "monument fund".  Our first way is selling things on eBay that we've collected through the years that we suddenly found weren't nearly as valuable for memorabilia as prior to Lynda's passing.   Russ has a life time of Boy Scout memorabilia and I've collected children's books and plush characters that go with the books since I began teaching in Florida in 2002.  Although I've given a great deal away, I do have many new or like new plush animals, beautiful hand puppets and similar items that will make great Christmas gifts for someone.

This is our beginning for our fund for Lynda's angel monument.  I know God will provide other opportunities.  You can visit our eBay site by pasting in this URL:   http://www.ebay.com/itm/Manhattan-Toy-Puppettos-childrens-puppet-stage-and-14-character-finger-puppets-/261321229438?pt=Pretend_Play_Preschool_US&hash=item3cd7f5847e  It will then show you the items we have available and a little informational ad telling about where the proceeds from the sales will go.  I know that is a long URL to paste but it takes you to one of the items or you can just search for bksheep and follow.  That's us.

Lynda sees angels on a daily basis now.  I want an angel at he foot of her grave to symbolically represent the angels who have watched over her the 41 years she lived on this earth.  With God's help she will have this special angel tribute for people to read about her and how God used her life in so many ways.

Carried To Heaven On Angel Wings

I have slept most of the day, exhausted physically and mentally.  This past week has been a good week at school.  Russ and I finally received our Education Enhancement Funds for our classes so that made the week especially nice. 

During the week there was non-stop activity but as Friday night began to wind down I realized I was too tired to keep trying to keep my mind from going back to August 3rd.

I slept most of today and it was really good for my brain to just rest.  I ordered this necklace over a month ago and after a few mishaps with the angel wings, it arrived today.  When I put it on I felt a calmness.  Wearing Lynda's heart over my heart is a tangible symbol of her always being with me in my heart.  It says "Carried to Heaven On Angel Wings" and has two little sapphire crystals (Lynda's birthstone) hanging from the large heart. 

I'm so glad that my Lynda necklace came in today when I needed an extra hug. 

The Kingdom of Heaven Belongs to the Children

Matthew 19:13-14
Jesus Blesses the Children


Then some children were brought to Him so that He might lay His hands on them and pray; and the disciples rebuked them.  But Jesus said, "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." 

Isn't it "so human" that  many of us have such a difficult time understanding or accepting the concept of "saved by grace".  We live in a world that tells us in every way possible that if we work hard enough we will get it, whatever it might be.  The bonus.  The American Dream.  Whatever.  So, I suppose it's hard for us to change gears and admit that there is nothing, absolutely nothing that we can do to earn our salvation.  It is only through accepting our Lord as our Savior that we receive the blessing of grace and salvation from our sins.  It is a gift.  It is grace.  It is undeserved.  And if we receive the greatest gift ever given we want to tell others about our great gift.  We want them to have the gift of salvation, too.  We want to live a life to honor our Savior who has saved us by grace but we are not earning our salvation.  None of us could.  It would be a futile attempt to try.

When babies and children like Lynda are born they are born as sinful creatures through Adam's original sin just as all of creation since the fall of Adam and Eve in the garden.  However, in the passage above Jesus proclaims that the kingdom of heaven belongs to children.  Children like these babies and forever children like Lynda who cannot discern between right or wrong;  good or evil.  Jesus saves these precious children by grace,,, a special grace that doesn't require a decision to be made between good or evil.  Christ's grace is given to these special ones. They are saved by grace because they cannot make a choice. He goes on to further emphasize that the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.  It belongs to them.  And, if we are going to enter that same kingdom we have to become like these babies and children who are totally dependent on God.

That kind of shoots the theory of working our way to heaven, doesn't it?  It also shines a great light on the difference in God's ways and man's ways.  For almost 42 years, Lynda has been looked upon by this world as flawed, different and imperfect.  Yet, the kingdom of heaven belongs to forever children like Lynda.  It belongs to babies and young children who Christ loved and took into his arms to bless when the disciples tried to turn them away (thinking as humans do that children aren't important because they haven't done anything for Jesus). 

Years ago I took issue with denominations who claimed that babies were born into the world as sinful creatures.  It made no sense to me how a baby who was completely innocent could be born with sin and I totally misunderstood the whole concept.  As I matured in the faith, I understood that thanks to Adam and Eve, every baby born since has inherited a sinful nature.  We aren't born neutral nor do we become sinful at a later point in time.  It's just the way it is because we are human.  The great news is that Jesus died for our sins.  We just have to accept His gift of grace. There is no way any person on earth could earn salvation.   If a person doesn't have the capacity to accept the gift of salvation due to their mental age, Jesus blesses these special people (babies, young children) with salvation.  Remember none of us earned it.  We are all saved by God's grace.   There are many children and adults with special needs that place them in the same mental age range as the children that Christ blessed in Matthew 19:14.

I've heard people wonder and debate about what happens to disabled people when they die and didn't have the capability of declaring Christ as their Lord.  Their mental age never matured to an age of accountability.  So what happens to them?  Where do they go?  Is there a special place where babies and children before the age of accountability go?  Or disabled children and adults who may not be able to make a profession of faith go that is different from where those of us who have willingly accepted Christ and have been saved by His grace?  Are those of us who have made the choice to follow Jesus somehow more saved than the babies and young children who weren't able to make a decision?  Even though they were  saved by God's grace immediately and carried directly by Jesus into paradise?  If we think like humans who feel we have to do something important for Christ to save us then we are a little puzzled about how this all works.  If we look at grace and at what Jesus teaches us about the kingdom of heaven and how we must enter as a little child we can better understand that the babies and the little children and the forever children have a perfect slate.  They have inherited the sinful nature of Adam just by being born but they also have complete trust and dependency on Jesus for everything.  That's what he wants from all the rest of us.  Complete dependency on Him.  Not trying to show Him how wonderful we are and how worthy we are to be saved because that's absurd.  We only enter the gates of Heaven because God has written our name in the book of life courtesy of Jesus dying on the cross for us and our only contribution was accepting the gift of Jesus.

Jesus loved the little children.  He blessed them.  He once became one of them born in a manger. We also have to  humble ourselves and become as a little child again.  Heaven is going to be a wonderful place because those who are there will have become like little children.  The children with special needs and cognitively impaired adult who became forever children always had to try and fit into the what the world expected.  What the world considers normal and typical.

God's vision is different.  Now we all must become as these trusting children and adults while they lived on earth. Our trust must be in Jesus with the same unquestioning faith that these children demonstrated so perfectly.  Be like a child.  Trust like a child.  Put your faith in Jesus with child-like trust and you will receive the grace He wants to cover you with for eternity.

The Little Blond Who Always Had a Smile

 This picture just kind of personifies Lynda's personality.  Always smiling and laughing even while having seizure after seizure.  As soon as it was over, she usually was back to her sweet personality.

 And as you have seen in many earlier pictures, Lynda was always clapping.  When she did something good, we clapped and said "Good girl" so she often just did it for herself.  LOL
She had a string of words and sounds that she said and she expected us to repeat it.  IF we did, she clapped for us.  If we didn't, she got up closer to our face and said it again (and again and again).  She also wanted everybody's legs crossed in the same direction just like she wanted everything else lined up perfectly.  Lining up people was a harder job.

 Swinging....Lynda loved being outside and she loved swinging.  She learned how to pump her feet and could swing all by herself for a long time.  I love the expression on her face.

 Love the sweet smile on my little Tweety Bird.  This was the typical Lynda. 

Sitting at her little table, she'd arrange and rearrange her bottles and bowls and things.
                       

 Riding on trike or a riding toy like her little dog actually slowed her down.  She couldn't go nearly as fast on them as she could on her own two feet.  She was a sweet little girl who seldom ever rested and was always on the go with a smile on her face (and generally getting into something that wasn't on her approved list of toys).  She was ingenious.  She was tireless.  She was adored and loved.

Grief's Ferocious Tentacles

There are so many tentacles of grief.   It feels like as I escape being ensnared by one of grief's giant arms threatening to choke the life from my body...there's always another one waiting just out of sight that I don't see coming.

I believe that a dominant theme in the grief from the loss of a child is the profound sense of loss for what could have been.

For me with Lynda, it is the strongest with what could have been had she not been abused at the child development center in Batesville, MS and if she had not gone to Millcreek Rehabilitation Center in Magee, MS.  If Lynda had been allowed to continue to learn and grow as the little girl we entrusted to Millcreek for respite care in September, 1981....how different her life might have been.

So we as parents have no choice but to fight through grief while protecting our vulnerable hearts and wrestle with a force most of us have never prepared to battle.  Some days we manage to keep the demons at bay and other times we just hide and hope they don't find us.

In our desperate attempt to survive we find ourselves looking over our shoulders....back in time at the exact time we are  also examining the future.  When we collide face first into the past with our child and the future without her....the grief monster tries to devour us with the profound sense of loss for what could have been.

So we unpack our memories of our child of the time we were given.  We do what parents do best and guard those memories with the sweet knowledge that God shared a miracle with us that was time sensitive.  Like a caterpillar that enters into a cocoon and later emerges as a spectacular butterfly our child burst into radiant perfection as she entered heaven.  As we wrestle grief's hold on our hearts,we are confident that the only arms that hold her are those of Jesus.  For my precious child there are no more battles.  The victory has been won by Jesus for her and He is right beside her mother as she banishes the profound sense of what could have been by keeping her eyes of what is yet to come.

Grief begins to shrink over time as God continues to show me all that my child has gained and the desire to finish this world's work and cross over to where she is waiting is intensified.  Purpose edges out grief but it doesn't destroy it.  Grief will never go away until I join Lynda again.  Hopefully we parents will learn to dodge the spears grief throws at our hearts when we are least expecting them. Memories are a powerful weapon to protect our hearts.  Memories of our child cover our heart in a protective self-sustaining armor.  The shield can never be taken away and it is the perfect antidote to grief's tendency to try to suck the life from our souls.

God gave us our child and left us with vivid and precious heart prints of the times we spent together.  Grief is no match for our God so we know that in time we will claim victory over our fears and the emptiness that once was filled by our child. But we will never forget.  We will never be the same.

Each mother's time table for grief is different.  Each dad deals with grief on his own terms.  Parenting is personal and grief is too.  One day at a time we chip away at grief with God's help.  One day.  One hour.  One minute.  That's just the way it is.  The sooner we accept that it isn't going to be okay overnight, the sooner we begin to heal.

Keeper of the Memories

This occurred to me almost immediately after Lynda passed away.  There were so many things about Lynda that I didn't want to die with me.  I am the keeper of the memories.

Her Daddy was already waiting on Lynda in heaven.  Her brothers Kevin and Kristopher are too young to know anything about her before her stroke.  Kristopher wasn't even born.

Since I've never experienced the loss of a child
(and pray I never do again) I hadn't given thought to this phenomenon.  Yes, I knew that we mothers instinctively protected our children.

It only stands to reason that when all we have left after our child dies are memories, we would instinctively protect those memories with the same tenacity we protected our child.

I thank you for being a part of this grieving mother's attempt to protect Lynda's memories through this blog and later a book about her life.

Now Tell Me What Do You Do Up in Heaven....

This isn't an original video but I saw it today and it spoke to my heart.  I wonder every day what Lynda is doing in heaven.           

God Has Brought Me Through Before

As long as there is a Friday and a Saturday, I will always think about the Friday that we were given the prognosis for Lynda and took her off life support and Saturday morning being the day she left this world for her true home in heaven.

Three months later it still hurts and for so many days I wondered if I would ever be the same again.  There was an old song performed by the group Accapella called "Do Not Be Afraid For God is With You" that I had in the car and listened to it over and over.  Before the funeral.  After the funeral.  Any time I felt the strength leaving my body....I played that song and remembered that no matter what....God was with me.  God had Lynda in His arms and although I couldn't feel them, He had me in His arms as well.

Three months later I am beginning to be able to focus on things more and it seems that where my hair was coming out by the handful due to stress the hair loss is beginning to slow.  It's not as difficult to put one foot in front of the other.  God is using time to heal my heart by reminding me each day how happy Lynda is now. 

God has certainly brought me through many, many dark times with Lynda that fear threatened to suffocate me.  Grabbing onto His promises through faith is the only way I will ever survive any of satan's attacks. 

I can't believe it is now November.   August 2nd to November 2nd has been a blur.  It's through these types of days that we really do have to choose faith over the fear that threatens to immobilize us.  And we have to do it over and over each day.  Each hour, even each minute.

I thank God for Lynda and celebrate today her life here on earth with me and her life eternally in heaven where by faith I know I will see her again and live with her forever.  With a million times more eagerness than I greeted each Christmas morning as a child, I look forward to the day that I will see her again and be able to fall to my knees to thank God for all He has done for Lynda and for me.

Lynda's Monument is Complete

Although this picture of Lynda's monument isn't the greatest because of the angle, I wanted to share it with you.  It hasn't been installed yet but the monument company sent us a picture of the finished stone with the heart etched.

We were very happy with the way it turned out and can't wait to get it into place.  We're waiting now until they have enough monuments to install in the Booneville area.  Since they wholesale monuments to the other monument companies in Mississippi and surrounding states, it shouldn't be too long.

It's still difficult for me to look at the monument and realize that it's for Lynda.  It's not, however difficult for me to imagine her in heaven safe in the arms of Jesus.

Lynda's Legacy of Love

This is the three month anniversary of Lynda's death.  We miss her so much but celebrate with her entry into paradise with Jesus.  Oh how I long to be able to see her again and talk with her.