When Words Won't Come...

Very seldom am I speechless.  Most of the time, I can sit down at the computer and write volumes about Lynda.  After her death, I poured my heart out into her blog.  It was almost as if writing about our experiences would somehow preserve the memories.  And it did.  As the days have turned into months and the months into years, I find myself sitting down to write.  Instead of writing, I find myself savoring the moments of memories.  It has become more difficult to share them.  Like everything else about this grief process, I am still learning how to be  Lynda's Nana without her.  I never forget  that Lynda was a gift from God or that His timing is perfect.

The timing of Lynda's departure from this world coincides with the end of my summer break and the return to school.  Forever, I will remember the sequence of events that took place.  On July 30th she was admitted into the emergency room  which was the day before my birthday and then ICC.  On August 1st, I went back to our first staff meeting at school and on August 2nd we were removing her from life support when the official diagnosis of cancer came.  On August 3rd, Jesus gently carried her to her new home in heaven.  It's been three years.

I know that Lynda is with Jesus in a perfect body with a perfect mind for the first time in her life. She didn't die but rather opened her eyes in a much different location---heaven!   How amazing it must have been when she opened her eyes in heaven to find that she had the ability to communicate and understand and be eternally in the presence of God.  For me to know that this is true makes her earthly loss bearable, at least most of the time.  Every year as the summer vacation begins it's last week I find myself feeling like the world is spinning out of control and I don't like it.  I want to hold on the knowledge of where Lynda is and that she is celebrating but I am human and I miss my sweet Lynda.  I try to get my classroom organized, my files completed...anything that makes me feel that I'm in control of some part of my life.  But life in a school at the beginning of the school year doesn't always run as planned.  Things you thought were all set suddenly have been changed.  Little things feel like huge ones and I try to remember just how unimportant it all is.  Yet, my emotions don't belong to me this week.  They are fragile and they are unpredictable.  So this is what I decided to do.

I took all of my fears and anxiety...the concerns about the changes in my job and the many things I have no control over...I gave the unfinished tasks for school and the feelings of sadness I have at this time of the year when my mind relives the events that happened this week three years ago and I visualized putting each worry into a beautiful red box with a gorgeous golden bow on the top.  I closed the box and I placed it gently into the outstretched hands of Jesus.  In my prayers, He took the box and as He promised in the Bible so many times, He is carrying my burdens for me.  In my prayer, I asked Him to hold tightly to my box of worries so that I couldn't try to snatch them from his hands.  I know that satan wants me to take the box back and pour each worry and fear out over my life and dwell on each one so he can fill my heart with "what ifs" and "if onlys" and "just wait until this happens..." Satan's job is to steal, kill and destroy and top on his list is our joy.  That's why Jesus has my heart and it's why I gave my fears to Him.  When He is holding my fears and providing the peace that passes all understanding...satan is powerless to wreck more havoc in my life.

God gave me the most wonderful gift of being Lynda's Nana.  A parent is never ready to bury a child.  It's one of the most unnatural thing I can think of.  It is raw when I see a little girl about Lynda's size with white blond hair and I follow her as far as I can without the parents thinking I'm stalking their child.  We work in our church with a special needs ministry with two teenage boys who have captured my heart.  They give me hugs and blow kisses and I cherish them.  Lynda taught me how to meet their needs.  She taught me how to love their differences.  And sometimes when I'm with them and their parents, my heart just aches because Lynda is not there with us.  The chair where Lynda should be is empty and the parents of these precious boys cannot possibly know what a void their sweet Thomas and Patrick fill in my heart even though on some occasions I fight back tears that want to flow freely down my cheeks.

We sang "Happy Birthday" to Lynda during her celebration of life service.  It was her favorite song and her leaving this earth really was her new birth in heaven.  It just seemed appropriate.  When I think of Lynda now I see her in the way the Bible describes her in heaven in the presence of Jesus.  And that always puts a smile on my face in spite of how much I miss her.   

Easter Reminds me of Lynda...

Maybe it's because Lynda came to live with us at the end of January and Easter was the first holiday we celebrated with her as a family.  Maybe it was because her first Easter she looked like a little doll dressed in an aqua dress with a little white pinafore ...kinda of Alice in Wonderlandish and before we could get to church she'd had experienced a seizure leaving her unable to enjoy her easter basket that the Easter Bunny had left.  I don't know, maybe it's because Easter is pastel colors that have always been synonymous with the clothes I chose for our fairskinned, blond haired, blue eyed doll throughout the years. 

Soft easter bunnies for her to rub while she sucked her thumb  and the easter eggs that Lynda loved to eat.  Not just the chocolate ones but the real boiled eggs.  I think of her on every holiday.  No, I think of her every day whether a holiday or not but Easter...it just does something to me more than Christmas.  I go into the stores and see the Easter displays and my heart is full of memories and longing.  It reminds me of the little pink dress she wore when she was about seven and we tried and tried to get her to sit long enough for Olan Mills to snap a picture.  Somehow there was one that she was gazing up like an angel and you would swear she posed for it.  My mother and I can assure you she was not and we were amazed that the photographer got a shot.  I attribute it strictly to divine intervention!

Now I think of Resurrection Sunday and Lynda alive in heaven with Jesus.  Every song sung in the service today was more meaningful.  Every scripture about Jesus's love for us to go to the cross hit home stronger than ever.  I soaked up his love for me and for all of us who have surrendered our lives to him.  We serve a risen savior and my Lynda is with him today and every day because of his love for her.  Praise God for sending his only son to save us.  Praise God that Lynda is perfect and without pain in heaven where the angels must have sung glorious praise to Jesus today maybe just a little louder that other days to celebrate Jesus' triumph over death.  What of day of rejoicing it will be when we too join Jesus in heaven.

I miss you Lynda but I'm so thrilled you are in the best place ever with the one who loves you more than even I do.  Happy Easter! 

To Russia With Love...

We have been overwhelmed with the number of visitors to Lynda's blog from Russia this week and month.  This blog has only reinforced how much we have in common regardless of where we live when it comes to special needs children and adults.  You touch our hearts and we know that at least some of you who stop by to visit and read have someone with special needs in your family or as a close friend.

Lynda loved toys like the Russian stacking dolls.  She loved to hide inside things like one of the little dolls herself.

Lynda's life has touched more people than we even know.  As you have read in other blog entries, her life was not simple or easy but we know that she is in heaven now with a perfect body and eternity to be with God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit where she is happy, whole and perfect.

We praise God for sending Jesus to die for our sins and we believe he arose on the third day and sits at the right had of God in heaven.  If you haven't given your heart to Jesus, do it right now.  Confess that you are a sinner (we all are) and ask God to forgive those sins ( He promises he will).  Ask Jesus to be Lord of your life and come into your heart (He will) and he will forgive all of your sins and you can spend the rest of your life telling others about this great savior and how he wants no one to perish but for everyone to have everlasting life.

We know we will see Lynda again.  It is what sustains us.  Whether from the United States, Russia or any other country throughout the world we have many things in common and the most important one is our need for God and salvation.

He will change your life.  He will put joy into your hearts.  Accepting Jesus is the most important decision you will ever make. 

Thank you for visiting Lynda's blog and we hope you have already found and accepted Jesus as your Lord.  If not, I am praying that each who reads this will open their heart to Jesus right now. 

To Russia with love from Lynda's mom and dad...Kathy and Russ Lamb. 

Who Do You Know?

As I think about Lynda and her life, I'm reminded every time of how God uses weak and imperfect vessels to carry his love to our world.  When Lynda passed away, there weren't long lines of people at the funeral to pay their respect and say their good-byes.  There was a small group of close friends who had been by her side from the beginning when she came into our family and we moved back to Oxford for her to go to school at the Oxford Child Development Center...lovingly called OCDC and later when she entered the North Mississippi Regional Center (NMRC) as an adult.

Lynda didn't ever hold a job so she didn't receive benefits from social security to help pay for her funeral.  Since the age of ten when she had a stroke, she could no longer call the name of her nana or dada.  She certainly didn't know the mayor of our town or the governor of our state.  There were no calls from the president of the United States or dignitaries from other countries and governments.  To the common observer, it appeared that Lynda Taylor Smith was a special needs adult who never grew beyond the forever child that she was.  She certainly had no great accomplishments that put her on the path to meet important people or rub elbows with the rich and famous.

She lived and died a person who lived on the fringe of society, so to speak because of her disabilities.  Often people looked at her in pity because she was so imperfect according to this world's standard.

It is a reality that Lynda knew no presidents or heads of state but she knew the creator of the universe.  He called her friend.  She was the daughter of the king of creation who made heaven and earth and everything that exists.  She is the daughter of THE king and co-heirs with Jesus.  What did she do to be adopted into this family of God by the Father himself?  Absolutely nothing.  Just like all of the rest of us who are daughters and sons of the King, we are counted as worthy simply because of God's grace.

Have you ever really taken it all in?  If you are a believer in Jesus and have given your heart to him...you too are of royal blood...the royal blood of our savior Jesus Christ.  You actually have the Holy Spirit living inside you every day of your life.  GOD RESIDES INSIDE YOUR HEART!  Our God who is the king of the universe has set up residency in our hearts and has promised to never leave us.  That just blows my mind!

When we cross the gulf between this world and the next...we will reign with Jesus.  We will worship and give glory to God forever.  Because of who we knew on earth?  No, because of who we trusted in and got to know as a personal savior.

It doesn't matter that she had no rich and influential friends on earth.  I believe she always was surrounded by God's angels.  It doesn't matter that her life was filled with  pain and suffering because God promised to wipe every tear away and give her a body and mind that is perfect.

Don't ever feel ordinary if you are saved.  You are the daughters and sons of the king.  When satan comes to call and whispers lies in your ears...rebuke him in the name of the Lord and remind him that he fell from heaven and that you are bought with a price that he can never, ever snatch you from the arms of Jesus.  Satan is defeated.  God is on the throne and Lynda is in heaven among the most important and influential people ever...those who have been redeemed and are spending eternity with God.  

God's Gifts

This little drawing reminded me of God's gift of Lynda in our lives.  When we were obedient to God's call to foster a special needs child and to ultimately give her a forever home, we received a gift of love.  We had to reach out our arms to welcome her and in doing so we were blessed with a life that we could not have imagined without her.  Lynda guided our life choices.  She painted our world in colors of acceptance of small accomplishments and taught us way more than we ever taught her.  All of God's gifts are like this really.  He is standing ready to give us blessings but we have to open our hearts to receive them.  The gift of salvation is the ultimate example of this love he has for us.  John 3:16 tells us that God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  He wants every single person ever born to be saved but it's up to us ti reach out and accept the gift.

For 42 years we had the gift of Lynda in our lives on this earth but as we had always known, this earth was not her home.  One day far to early for us, she went to be with Jesus.  As I held her body next to mine on that day in August two years ago, I knew that I would see her again.  I knew that she was with Jesus.  I knew this because the Bible has God's promises written for me to read.  It told me that he was preparing a place for me one day and that I'd see Lynda again.  

So like the figure in the drawing, I once again opened my heart and arms to Jesus and I released Lynda to him.  Freely he gave his life for us to live with him eternally and there was no way that Imy heart could not freely release Lynda back to our savior.  She will always be in my heart but God's gifts are not ours to keep.  Nothing we have is our own;  it all belongs to him.  So as the little heart looks like it is floating up, up to heaven...we released clear balloons up, up toward heaven the day we buried Lynda.  

Don't hold too tightly to anything but Jesus.  That's what I've learned through the years.  I loved Lynda and I enjoyed her.  Oh, how I miss her sweet touches.  Some days warm tears flow down my cheeks but that doesn't diminish my joy at all.  God gives and God takes away.  Glory to God in all things especially during the Christmas season.  I hope you know the savior.  He longs for you to accept his gift of salvation.

God is Good Every Day...His Love Endures Forever!

 

There is one thing I am always sure of and that is that God is good all of the time.  It's wonderful that our country has a day set aside to celebrate being thankful.  I hope that among all of the turkey and trimmings that Americans do truly stop and thank God for the blessings he has bestowed upon our country since it's beginning.  Truly God's hand is on America.  When we sing "God Bless America", I always want to change the words to "God Has Blessed America" for he truly has protected her and provided grace beyond anything a country could deserve.

My heart is overflowing because of the gift of salvation that Jesus provided for me on the cross.  I am more thankful than I have words to express that his promises are true and that he has prepared a place for us to live with him throughout eternity.  I know this because the Bible tells me this and it is real.  We Christians believe that Christ died and on the third day rose from the dead to live forever.  What could I be more thankful for?  Not a thing!  Except that he promises us that we too will live again if we trust in him.  Every day since Lynda died I have known without a doubt that when her eyes closed in death as I held her body next to mine...Jesus was right there to take her immediately to the place he had prepared for her.  Heaven has always been my destination.  I have longed to meet Jesus face to face and thank him on bended knees for giving his life for my sins.  Now I also can't wait to see Lynda again and talk to her for the first time ever where she can speak.  She and I can walk the streets of heaven and communicate in a way that will be brand new for us.  I am so thankful for God's promises that life here on earth is temporary and that this earth is not our home.  

I am so thankful God allowed me to be Lynda's mother for 40 years here on earth.  I don't know how many more years will separate us but I do know this time here is like a vapor.  Then our real lives begin with eternity stretching out forever.  So thankful for God's grace.  So thankful for my sweet Lynda. 

I Played With Lynda in My Dream Last Night...

I haven't posted in a while.  Not because I didn't have anything to say and certainly not because Lynda hasn't been on my mind...there are just periods of time that I have to keep the memories to my self.  Just between God and me. 

Last night I dreamed about Lynda.  I don't remember all of the dream but when I woke up I knew she had been there.  There were details of where we were and what we were doing but the best part and the most vivid part was that I was stroking her hair and in my dream I could feel how soft it was.  She was touching my hair, too.  Then she kissed me on the cheek.  I could see her face.  It was a combination of the "young Lynda" with the really blond, blond hair and in the cut like Dorothy Hammil  but she was older like the age when she died.  There was a softness of her features when the two ages merged into the Lynda in my dreams and I wonder if that's the way she is going to look when I see her new body.  Maybe this was a "sneak preview" from God.  I looked into her beautiful blue eyes and I held her in my arms.  When I woke, I could still feel how soft her hair had felt to my hands.  I could still feel her kiss on my cheek. 

It was such a gift.  Such a peaceful experience.  I pray every night to God to please tell Lynda that I love her and that I miss her and I'm so proud of her and to enjoy heaven.  I believe this was God's way of answering my prayers to let Lynda tell me in her way that she loves me and she's real and alive in heaven...which of course I know is true.

Thank you God for letting Lynda visit me if only in my dreams.  It was so sweet and warms this nana's heart.