Think of Lynda and Smile Today

This is the fifth week since THE day that we got the results of all of Lynda's tests and had to make the decision to remove her from life support to hospice.  I have to say these five weeks have been just like a roller coaster ride with all of the twists and turns and ups and downs.  I might add that I don't like roller coaster rides at theme parks.  I like them even less in life in general.

Lynda's favorite toy for many years has been a smiley face rattle toy made by Sassy.  The little nose squeaked and there were beads inside the clear circle around the face.  Lynda loved to hold it by one of its handles and move it up and down.  From side to side.  Over and over again to hear the soft sound of the beads falling. On the back is a plexiglass mirror.   She had lots of other similar toys but this one was the favorite.  At first they were easy to find.  Target had them and we'd buy several every few months and take them to NMRC for her toy boxes.  We'd keep some for home.  They made a smaller version.  They made a green alien version.  Lynda had them all and loved them.  The original Smiley was always her favorite.

Then after a few years, they became harder and harder to find.  I even wrote the company to tell them about Lynda's love for their product and how she has safety tested it over the years and found it to be a well-constructed toy almost impervious to destruction.

I wish I could rewind time and have Lynda a little longer before five Fridays ago happened and changed our lives as we knew them but I can't.  No matter how much I wish I could lay in the bed next to her and feel her sweet hand patting my arm...it did happen and now my mind floods with memories good and bad that the grief process is forcing me to deal with.  With time, I'll be as resilient as Lynda's favorite toy and I can't look at it without smiling.  It was a simple toy that entertained and comforted her throughout the years.  I'm trying to learn that from Lynda during this time of grief.  It's the simple things that comfort us.  It's the smiley faces of the little kids we teach each day that remind us of Lynda and give us renewed strength to live each day like she did.  It didn't take much to make Lynda happy.  Thinking of her with Jesus just brings a big smile to my face no matter how many tears are streaming down my cheeks.

There are bittersweet moments everyday.  The grieving process never really ends.  It just changes over time and it changes us.  Lynda changed our lives when she came into it.  She changed our lives when she left.  Life is all about change and I admit I'm not so great at handling change sometimes.  For Lynda to be changed into the perfect creation that God had in mind for her from the beginning of time...now that makes me smile.