As Russ and I were driving back from supper last night, I was thinking about the upcoming birthdays of the grandchildren and our children when they were young.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. That's why grief is so tricky. I think I'm handling my emotions pretty well but four months hasn't allowed enough time to live through my first Thanksgiving without Lynda or the first Christmas.
The holidays were one of the first things I thought of after Lynda died. What I had NOT thought about until tonight on our way home was that no matter how many times we try to get all of our grown children and their families together, we will never be able to have everyone home at the same time. We won't have any more family pictures made that include Lynda and for some reason I'd never thought of that until tonight.
Just about everyone has experienced the loss of someone they love. Grief doesn't follow a pattern or a chart. It's not always the obvious that will bring us to our knees. I think this is one of the reasons that it's difficult for men to understand what a woman is going through with the loss of a child. I think it's equally as hard for a woman to really understand the type of grief a man experiences. It may also be the reason that some people don't understand why the thought of a family picture never including your oldest child again would be a big deal when you had just left the cemetery where she is buried.
I don't have the answers. I think for me pictures have been such an important part of my saying good-bye to Lynda. I relived every memory that I could using those precious photo memory prompts. From the first day I met her until the last. It isn't a one time journey through my Lynda memories. I will visit there time and time again.
My mind wanders to Lynda growing up, the age she was when Kevin was born and Lynda a year after Kris was born...so many special moments in our lives. I try to steer away from the memories of the trials that she survived because they are so hard to remember. Yet, they are part of her life. Those memories of the injustices she endured helped up celebrate all of the kindness in her world...and there was an abundance of good.
Russ and I took mother to Cracker Barrel for Thanksgiving lunch today. At 11:30 there was a two hour wait. We went to Ryan's and moved through the lines like fish in a barrel. It was what I needed though. Mother kept saying that she had bought everything to cook for Thanksgiving but I couldn't explain to her the feeling of claustrophobia that I would have had sitting at the same table that has two empty chairs now---my Daddy's and Lynda's. She would tap on the table and he would say "service. Lynda wants service". LOL They made a great team. I know that they are together this Thanksgiving in heaven with Larry and his parents, all of Daddy's siblings and parents....it's a good thing God has a really big table.
I don't have to even wonder where my heart is. It has always been with Lynda and it always will be. God makes mothers with hearts that can grow to include any number of children and at the same time break when one is gone. She will forever live in my heart and when she went to heaven she took a piece of my heart with her. My heart won't be really complete until I see Jesus, wrap my arms around Lynda and our hearts are touching again. For the promise that this is not just a dream but the reality that Jesus died for....I have a heart of thanksgiving today.
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