Nine Thousand Views Humbles Us....

We are humbled by your support by viewing and reading Lynda's blog.  As summer has arrived, the loss seems to be magnified as we approach the one year anniversary of her death.  How I wish I could spend time with her today and feel her sweet pats on my back as we walked together.  Thank you for continuing to pray for our family.  God is so good all of the time!

Ten Months Ago Today....

Ten months today, Lynda went to be with the Lord in paradise.  This past week-end, Russ and I went to Destin for a few days and I planned to come back through Brewton, Alabama where Lynda was born and became my daughter.  The closer the time came to heading home, the more convinced I became that I could not go back to the house we lived in or walk the sidewalks she and I walked so many times.  No matter how much I'd like to go...I couldn't.  Not yet.

The beach reminded me of Lynda.  Actually, everything about everything reminds me of Lynda now that I'm out of school and my mind is quiet.  She loved the outdoors.  She loved the beach.  She LOVED water and she was fearless.  The little water wings she's wearing in the pictures is strictly for those of us with her.  SHE did not need them to dog paddle around the pool and she certainly didn't need them to put her head under the water and  hold her breath for far longer than I could hold mine waiting for her to surface.

Lynda LOVED water.  In the bathtub.  In the fountain in the Pensacola mall.  In the pool.  She just loved everything about it.  When she was in water she was free and she was the happiest of happy. Just look at the expression on this sweet face.  You don't need to even see her mouth to know that she was grinning from ear to ear and splashing and kicking and having a blast.

I walked through Cracker Barrel this morning and everything I looked at reminded me of something I would have bought for her.  Lynda was summertime.  She was sunshine and pools and beaches.  I dressed her in aquas and pinks....all of the colors that are everywhere at this time of the year.  I don't guess I will ever get out of the habit of seeing clothes and for a split second find myself looking for her size.  Today grief rolled over me like the huge waves in the gulf.  I was surprised at the intensity.  I was surprised it could slip up on me so unexpectedly and knock the wind out of my gut as if I was hit square in the heart.  It was raw and it amazed me when my heart broke again as I approached summer but this time without her.  I couldn't run over to Oxford to see her.  No new revelation since I had just visited her grave before we left for Florida yet it was as if I had heard for the first time of her death. I stood in the middle of Cracker Barrel in Tupelo, Mississippi and heard my heart tell my brain as if for the first time...she's gone.  She's really gone.  Not forever because I know I'll see her again one day but today I wasn't thinking about the "by and by in heaven".  I was thinking of the "here and now of earth" and I was NOT expecting it to hurt so much again.

Yes, I have been dreading June turning into July and the one year anniversary of "the day she went to the emergency room", "the day she went on the respirator", "the day we removed her from the respirator"... Why can't my mind skip over these months.  I do know how the story ended after all and I'm not eager to relive each detail again.  So I try and steel my emotions and keep very busy.  My logical mind tries to reason with my mother's heart that we would be better off to try not to dwell on those things but instead think of the good times.  And so I do but I haven't mastered this grieving thing yet and some days it slips up on me and threatens to pull me down like the riptide.  I can waste all of my energy trying to swim against the flow or just finally save my energy and swim parallel with the shore till I'm out of the tug of the riptide's force.  I can survive that way.  To continue to fight the riptide is not beneficial of safe.  Many don't survive.  I am a survivor.  Lynda has taught me that through her example.  Because of being Lynda's Nana I can take the words of Lee Ann Womack's "I Hope You'll Dance" song to heart.

                                                            Because I Am Lynda's Nana      

I will never lose my sense of wonder,
I may get my fill to eat but will always keep that hunger,
I will NEVER take one single breath for granted,
and because of you love will never leave me empty handed,
I still feel small when I stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I know one more opens,
I promise that because of you I will always give faith a fighting chance,
And when I get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I'll always dance....I'll ALWAYS dance!

Lynda I know you're dancing in heaven and because I know this to be true...when I have the change to sit it out or dance...I'LL ALWAYS DANCE!  I may sit it out for a day or so like today but I'll be back up dancing because I know I'm going to see you again.  Hope you're swimming in heaven and dancing on the stars.  

Happy Mother's----My First With Lynda---My First Without Her

This is my first Mother's Day ever...1975!  This little white haired girl posed so sweetly in front of the magnolia tree (and pulling the leaves off as she stood)...lol changed my life on January 22, 1975.

On Mother's Day that May, I wore the title of "mother" officially for my first time and although I had only reigned as a mother/nana for four short months...I knew it would always be my favorite title I would wear or hold.

Now it's Mother's Day 2014.  I am serving as a mother in a category that I never imagined would be so hard...mother of a child who has preceded me in death. Of course, I will always, always be Lynda's mother but this year there is an aching on Mother's Day that is unexplainable to anyone who has not been unwillingly thrust into this special category.  I am the mother to Lynda, to Kevin, and to Kristopher.  I am blessed to be the step-mother of Kelly and Kristen.  I have wonderful daughters-in-law---Nicole, Brenda and soon to be Amanda and a super son-in-law, Kent.

God has blessed me to be a grandmother to Meghan, Mason, Kaden, Graysen, Morgan, Karson and soon to be added Malakai.  My children and grandchildren  are scattered across the country and one...the very first one----the one who started this whole journey of motherhood for me, is in heaven.

I am blessed to still have my own mother who celebrated her 91st birthday this year.  Life is good.

This year I look at the pictures of my very first Mother's Day.  As we are walking down the street, Lynda looks angelic dressed in white from head to toe.  What you can't see is the tiny white pieces of cotton stuffing she is gently pulling from her diaper as we walk along.  Motherhood for me was not going to be ordinary.  I was twenty-two.  How could I even begin to know what an adventure God had allowed me to embark upon with Him as I joined the ranks of motherhood holding tightly to Lynda's hand.

I miss that little girl.  How I wish I could walk back into these pictures for just a little while.

Sometimes Grief Just Washes Over You Like a Tidal Wave...

We went to put the "Easter Egg" wind chimes at Lynda's grave and walked around both sides of the cemetery.  The temperature was perfect.  The birds were singing and just as I was in view of our car and Lynda's bow on the top of her angel wings...it hit me like it was all brand new.  I wasn't expecting it but I didn't fight the tears that rolled down my face and onto the ground.  I had been thinking about Lynda's first Easter with us and the Easter that she rolled down the hill at her first Easter Egg Hunt oblivious to the colored eggs hidden in the grass but happy to play her own game.  I was remembering the little white haired beauty in her little blue dress with the embroidered bunny across the top...the smiles...the giggles and the view of her grave....Just wasn't prepared for the visceral reaction when what was and what is were juxtapositioned in my brain.  It is these moments that I give in to being a mother and weep for my own loss.  Later, I will remember that she is in heaven and that fact alone will bring me comfort but for a few moments this afternoon all I could think about was how much I wished I could feel her body next to mine as I hugged her.

Lynda's First Easter With Us...1974

This was Lynda's first Easter with us...1974.  This year is her first Easter in heaven...2014.  Earlier the morning this picture was made, Lynda was dressed in her little white lace leotards, her patent leather shoes and this little dress had a white pinafore.  She looked like a little princess.  The dress was special because one of Larry's co-workers at the community college in Brewton had given it to Lynda.  Just as we were getting ready to go out the door for church Lynda had a seizure and off came the little pinafore and later we ended up at the emergency room.  In this picture, she was using the silky material of the little slip that was made into the dress to suck her thumb.  Her comforter.  This picture was always a bittersweet one.  It was one of the first times we had Lynda all dressed up and it was one of our first experiences of seeing just how fast a day could go downhill with seizures.

Actually we were just beginning our journey with Lynda and at the time of this picture, I have to say we were totally clueless about what our future with Lynda would involve.

This Easter, Lynda is celebrating another first Easter...her first Easter in heaven.  I miss this little girl and at the same time I know heaven is sweeter with her there. 

Let Heaven and Earth Rejoice...

Let heaven and earth rejoice that we have a savior who loves us and gave His life for us.  Before the beginning of time.  Before the creation of heaven and earth.  When there was nothing except for the Trinity and sin had not entered the world yet, there was a plan for our salvation.  The sins of Adam and Eve didn't cause our God to come up with a Plan B for humanity.  Our Father knew before time that mankind would need a savior and that Christ was the only perfect sacrifice to take our place and bring us into redemption so we could become joint heirs with Jesus in the kingdom of God. 

It is not a myth.  It is not a story fabricated by man.  It is truth spoken by God himself when he became human and walked upon this earth.  Salvation is a gift freely given.  We do not earn it but we must accept the gift and submit our hearts to Jesus for the rest of our lives.  A gift that is more amazing than we can imagine yet one that many refuse to accept thinking it's "too easy" and there must be something else---something more difficult.  A catch or a trick.  No wonder Jesus said that if we didn't become as little children we could not inherit the kingdom of God.  Little children are trusting.  They are eager to believe in things they cannot see.

My daughter Lynda is in heaven.  She has been there for eight months now.  She is with Jesus because He died for her.  He was the ransom for her soul and she stands beside the one who stood before the Father and proclaimed that "this one is with me".  Life doesn't end with death for a child of God.  It just begins as the old body is cast away and replaced with a perfect body in the likeness of God.  Lynda can run and talk and sing praises to God.  She can recognize her family and talk to the characters in the Bible and hear the stories she's never heard before from the mouths of people like Noah and Jonah. 

My heart is filled and overflowing with gratitude for God allowing me to parent Lynda for 39 of her 42 years on earth and even more for the peace I have knowing that Christ did indeed prepare a place for her and that place is paradise where there is no night, no tears and nothing but sheer joy with the creator of the universe!

I Love It When I Dream a "Lynda Dream"...

I dreamed about Lynda last night and woke up this morning feeling like I'd had a visit.  It was a crazy dream where we were one place that suddenly turned into another one.  First we were in the auditorium at NMRC and then on the hillside at North Oxford Baptist Church and yes it was a "makes no sense whatsoever dream" but Lynda was there and that made sense.

In the beginning of the dream, NMRC was trying to match the linens on Lynda's bed to her pajamas.  Well, not matching but a complementary pattern.  LOL  There were two full size beds on the stage made up in different linens.  We were all sitting in the auditorium and there was obviously a big stage.  We were behind a glass like they are in Grey's Anatomy during surgery...lol    A staff member would bring Lynda in through a door on the left and she'd stand there beside the bed closest to her and we'd all ooh and ah about the combination. She was the age she was when she passed away and looked just like she did before she was sick.   I'm sure it was something I had requested.  It was funny after I woke up but dead serious during the dream.

Then suddenly we were at NOBC and a bunch of clients were on this mini-cope course where they were not above head height but Lynda was harnessed into this "thing" that had lots of silver chains and she was younger and loving whatever it was that it was supposed to be.  I was horrified until I heard her squeals and realized how much she loved it.  When it was over, I held her hand and we walked into the door of the fellowship hall at NOBC and right when the rec therapist who had been doing the "silver chainy thing" started to hold the door for Lynda and me to walk through....Lynda dropped my hand and took his and they walked on in.

I woke up.  In my dream I was thinking "Oh, I am so glad she likes him so much that she wants to go with him..."

Awake,  I think in a very convoluted way it was God and Lynda reinforcing the fact that she went to heaven willingly and happily.  I never saw the face of the therapist that held the door for Lynda but it IS interesting that the scene switched over to the church.  I dropped her hand as she took his hand and they walked through the door and I stood in the opening watching them kind of fade away.

It was reassuring to me in the dream.  It is, of course, reassuring to me in reality because I know who Lynda is with even though I've never seen His face.  Yet.  But Lynda has and I can't wait to see that beautiful face myself.

I thank God for allowing me to "visit" with Lynda in my dreams.  I feel her presence with me today.