Oh How I Miss This Little Girl...

It's December.  I took out the big box of ornaments that years ago I had sorted into bags for each of the five children.  I decorated a Christmas tree just for Kristopher with all of the ornaments he had been given as a child.  I put my hand on the bag that held Lynda's special ornaments and I picked the bag up out of the box.  Just as quickly, I replaced it gingerly without glancing at the treasures that it held.  Some of the ornaments that are on Kris's tree are exact duplicates of the ones that are in Lynda's collection.  Many are the precious homemade treasures with sweet pictures made when she was the age she was in this picture...four years old.  There are four Christmases before Kevin was born and three more before Kristopher joined the family.  Somewhere among Lynda's ornaments is the little pipe cleaner circle that she dipped in glue and rolled in glitter.  It hung proudly on the tree for oh so many years.  I can just imagine that she looked very much like the ornament after it had been completed.  There are ornaments with pictures marking each year and handcrafted treasures from aunts and grandmothers throughout the years.  I watched a Hallmark Christmas movie this week that one of the actor's line was:  "Ornaments are memories hanging on limbs of the tree".  This is so true and everything from the smell of a newly cut tree to the carols that are being sung on the radio reminds me of Christmases past and those always included Lynda front and center.

This picture was made the first Christmas that she lived with us in 1975.  She had been our foster daughter for twelve months and we were head over heels in love with this little girl.  The beautiful tree was wired to the wall so that she couldn't pull it down on top of her and we were not opposed to having ornaments rearranged or taken off to be lined up on the floor.  Oh, to be able to go back to this time when our glass was full and life was just beginning for us with Lynda.  I don't have regrets of looking back and wishing I'd spent more time with her or loved her more or adored her more.  I just miss her.  I want to give her the new Christmas sweater I still have hanging in the closet that was supposed to have been her present for last Christmas.  I want more time.  I want more pictures.  I want more memories.  I want all of my children home for Christmas but Lynda is truly home and I can't be there...yet. 

It's strange the things that bring a parent to their knees after the death of a child.  That moment when you realize that the photographs you have tucked away in boxes and scanned into the computer are the only ones you will ever have.  There will never be a picture of the entire family together again.  You know this, of course from the beginning but it's strange that holidays seem to shove that reality right up into your face and it's a hurt that's new all over again. 

I shop for gifts in the stores and I'm immediately drawn to things that are soft and fuzzy and remind me of Lynda.  I know people in stores wonder why I see a pink fuzzy sweater, touch it and burst into tears.  There are certain parts of stores I just try not to go into and I never pass Lynda's favorite candies without touching the bags and thinking of her.  Memories are so intertwined and woven into our lives and I am thankful for them.  Sometimes like when I look at this picture of the angelic little girl, I smile when I remember the photography experience that day.  Oh, how Christmas brings so many memories back of when all of my children were little and how blessed we were as a family.

Our decorations on earth are so superficial when I imagine what heaven looks like all decked out to honor the king of creation.  I am thrilled that Lynda is celebrating with the angels and has her Daddy and grandparents, siblings and aunts and uncles to love on her.  Most of all she has Jesus who prepared a place for her and received her into paradise a little over a year ago.  Praise God for the birth of a savior.  Happy Birthday Baby Jesus.  I'm so glad you came to redeem us and that you love Lynda so much.