How can a cartoon capture the essence of how I feel? That's exactly what I'd like to do. I would even be happy if every night I could dream about Lynda and hug her in my dreams.
I do close my eyes and get lost in the memory of how she felt when I hugged her or I lay next to her or how she patted me on the back when we walked together.
I savored the first time she hugged me and every single one that followed. I was devastated when she had the stroke and couldn't hug anymore. Lynda still had hugs inside her that turned into pats on the back or on the arm. They were love pats. God didn't allow her ability to give and receive love and to express it to be robbed from her along with her speech and other functions.
The most precious memories we have are some from the Friday Lynda was removed from life support and she patted Russ and me both on the arms as we sat by her bed and rubbed on her and talked to her. She played for a while with her Happy Face Rattle and although her eyes were closed she knew her people were there. Did she somehow know it was time to say good-bye for now? I don't know. I do know that the minute I got into the bed with her in the emergency room when she was gasping for breath and coughing so badly they knew she would have to be on a respirator....as I wrapped my arms around her and said "Lynda, Nana is here"....her breathing immediately returned to normal and I could feel her body relax and for a minute her breathing was not labored. It was one of the most incredible experiences God has shared with me. For 30 years I've always wondered if she really did recognize my voice and my touch or if I was imagining it because of how badly I wanted it to be true. On July 30, 2013 God answered that haunting question for me. He confirmed something that only He knew how important that answer was to me.
Days later as we removed Lynda from life support and were able to remove all of the tubes and free her hands, she took her favorite toy and played with it one last time and patted us in her way that for 30 years has signified her expression of love, thanks, and approval all rolled into one. She also retained the ability to pinch me to let me know that she was still inside that broken body and she felt pain. Another answer from God that confirmed my decision to not fight the advanced cancer and to remove her from the life support. As her mother, I could tell my her movements and her breathing that she was still in pain regardless of the sedation. God again allowed Lynda to communicate through her unique system of making sure I knew when she was in pain by pinching me. I smiled when she did it and considered it a sign that she was tired of the pain and just plain tired. Freeing her from this earth's pain so she could finally soar on the wings of angels was made easier when I was sure that she was not being made comfortable. She had just been restrained because of all of the tubes and was unable to tell me to convey her pain to me in a tangible way.
All of these things that went unnoticed by anyone but Russ and me helped me make the hardest decisions I've had to make in my life with the exception of when my Daddy was dying. I wanted to keep her longer since she was off the vent and able to play with her comfort toy. Had we waited longer to start the pain medications she would have probably lived a few days longer. I could have had more time next to her in the bed instead of standing over her tangled in tubes. But it wasn't about me. It was about her. It was about those pinches just a few minutes before we moved her upstairs to hospice. It was about my last gift I could give my daughter, medication to dull her pain and to allow her to go peacefully to be with Jesus.
How I miss those hugs though and this little cartoon says it all. How I wish I could pick her up from my dreams and hug her. Instead I hold the heart with her name and the little angel wings that I wear around my neck and I read the stamped words...carried to heaven on the wings of angels and I feel her sweet presence in my heart.
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