What A Difference A Year Can Make...

In the stack of mail yesterday was a letter from social services at NMRC. It's now been a year since Lynda became ill and ultimately passed away on August 2nd. there were a few pieces of information that continued to come after her death but I haven't gotten anything from NMRC in several months. When I saw the envelope, I of course wondered what it could be but I just thought it might be something related to the picture they had hung of Lynda or maybe some event they thought we might be interested in attending. I opened it and it was the recreation therapy schedule for the month of July. Every month, parents and guardians received a schedule of the activities that rec therapy (which was Kevin's department at NMRC) would be providing for the clients each day and at night. They might go bowling, have a dance or Lynda's favorite---go for rides in the van. How we got "back" on the mailing list after Lynda's death is one of those computer glitches. I know they have deleted our name from the list because for almost a year, we haven't received anything. Yet, somehow here it was in the mail and in my trembling hands.

I quickly told my brain (and my heart) this was okay. I didn't read anything on the page. I just folded it back up and put it back into the envelope. As Russ walked in from outside, he could tell I was visibly shaken so I just held up the envelope and handed it to him and kept walking to the back of the house. All the way down the hall I kept telling myself to think of something else. Think of something else but the great big letters J U L Y kept flashing in my mind and by the time Russ made it back to the bedroom I was sobbing. The things we have taken for granted for so many years suddenly become painful reminders of how life can change in a flash and in a flash...a whole year can be rolled back to when the grief is so fresh and raw. It was a strange mixture of bittersweet feelings. So thankful that she had been at NMRC where there was a whole page devoted each month to activities planned for the clients based on their needs AND the realization yet again that Lynda was no longer at NMRC and just a few miles away in Oxford.

It's not hard to redirect my heart to heaven where I know God has the most fabulous activities planned daily for Lynda and her friends. I smile thinking of how much fun she must be having. It just never ceases to amaze me at how the heart has a mind all its own. You can't reason with your heart any more than you can try to hold the wind in your hand. So...might as well just go with the ebb and flow of these emotions God has given me all wrapped up in the title of being a mother. And for that I am blessed and wouldn't change a thing. God is good all the time!