Ten Months Ago Today....

Ten months today, Lynda went to be with the Lord in paradise.  This past week-end, Russ and I went to Destin for a few days and I planned to come back through Brewton, Alabama where Lynda was born and became my daughter.  The closer the time came to heading home, the more convinced I became that I could not go back to the house we lived in or walk the sidewalks she and I walked so many times.  No matter how much I'd like to go...I couldn't.  Not yet.

The beach reminded me of Lynda.  Actually, everything about everything reminds me of Lynda now that I'm out of school and my mind is quiet.  She loved the outdoors.  She loved the beach.  She LOVED water and she was fearless.  The little water wings she's wearing in the pictures is strictly for those of us with her.  SHE did not need them to dog paddle around the pool and she certainly didn't need them to put her head under the water and  hold her breath for far longer than I could hold mine waiting for her to surface.

Lynda LOVED water.  In the bathtub.  In the fountain in the Pensacola mall.  In the pool.  She just loved everything about it.  When she was in water she was free and she was the happiest of happy. Just look at the expression on this sweet face.  You don't need to even see her mouth to know that she was grinning from ear to ear and splashing and kicking and having a blast.

I walked through Cracker Barrel this morning and everything I looked at reminded me of something I would have bought for her.  Lynda was summertime.  She was sunshine and pools and beaches.  I dressed her in aquas and pinks....all of the colors that are everywhere at this time of the year.  I don't guess I will ever get out of the habit of seeing clothes and for a split second find myself looking for her size.  Today grief rolled over me like the huge waves in the gulf.  I was surprised at the intensity.  I was surprised it could slip up on me so unexpectedly and knock the wind out of my gut as if I was hit square in the heart.  It was raw and it amazed me when my heart broke again as I approached summer but this time without her.  I couldn't run over to Oxford to see her.  No new revelation since I had just visited her grave before we left for Florida yet it was as if I had heard for the first time of her death. I stood in the middle of Cracker Barrel in Tupelo, Mississippi and heard my heart tell my brain as if for the first time...she's gone.  She's really gone.  Not forever because I know I'll see her again one day but today I wasn't thinking about the "by and by in heaven".  I was thinking of the "here and now of earth" and I was NOT expecting it to hurt so much again.

Yes, I have been dreading June turning into July and the one year anniversary of "the day she went to the emergency room", "the day she went on the respirator", "the day we removed her from the respirator"... Why can't my mind skip over these months.  I do know how the story ended after all and I'm not eager to relive each detail again.  So I try and steel my emotions and keep very busy.  My logical mind tries to reason with my mother's heart that we would be better off to try not to dwell on those things but instead think of the good times.  And so I do but I haven't mastered this grieving thing yet and some days it slips up on me and threatens to pull me down like the riptide.  I can waste all of my energy trying to swim against the flow or just finally save my energy and swim parallel with the shore till I'm out of the tug of the riptide's force.  I can survive that way.  To continue to fight the riptide is not beneficial of safe.  Many don't survive.  I am a survivor.  Lynda has taught me that through her example.  Because of being Lynda's Nana I can take the words of Lee Ann Womack's "I Hope You'll Dance" song to heart.

                                                            Because I Am Lynda's Nana      

I will never lose my sense of wonder,
I may get my fill to eat but will always keep that hunger,
I will NEVER take one single breath for granted,
and because of you love will never leave me empty handed,
I still feel small when I stand beside the ocean,
Whenever one door closes I know one more opens,
I promise that because of you I will always give faith a fighting chance,
And when I get the choice to sit it out or dance.

I'll always dance....I'll ALWAYS dance!

Lynda I know you're dancing in heaven and because I know this to be true...when I have the change to sit it out or dance...I'LL ALWAYS DANCE!  I may sit it out for a day or so like today but I'll be back up dancing because I know I'm going to see you again.  Hope you're swimming in heaven and dancing on the stars.