Sometimes Grief Just Washes Over You Like a Tidal Wave...

We went to put the "Easter Egg" wind chimes at Lynda's grave and walked around both sides of the cemetery.  The temperature was perfect.  The birds were singing and just as I was in view of our car and Lynda's bow on the top of her angel wings...it hit me like it was all brand new.  I wasn't expecting it but I didn't fight the tears that rolled down my face and onto the ground.  I had been thinking about Lynda's first Easter with us and the Easter that she rolled down the hill at her first Easter Egg Hunt oblivious to the colored eggs hidden in the grass but happy to play her own game.  I was remembering the little white haired beauty in her little blue dress with the embroidered bunny across the top...the smiles...the giggles and the view of her grave....Just wasn't prepared for the visceral reaction when what was and what is were juxtapositioned in my brain.  It is these moments that I give in to being a mother and weep for my own loss.  Later, I will remember that she is in heaven and that fact alone will bring me comfort but for a few moments this afternoon all I could think about was how much I wished I could feel her body next to mine as I hugged her.

Lynda's First Easter With Us...1974

This was Lynda's first Easter with us...1974.  This year is her first Easter in heaven...2014.  Earlier the morning this picture was made, Lynda was dressed in her little white lace leotards, her patent leather shoes and this little dress had a white pinafore.  She looked like a little princess.  The dress was special because one of Larry's co-workers at the community college in Brewton had given it to Lynda.  Just as we were getting ready to go out the door for church Lynda had a seizure and off came the little pinafore and later we ended up at the emergency room.  In this picture, she was using the silky material of the little slip that was made into the dress to suck her thumb.  Her comforter.  This picture was always a bittersweet one.  It was one of the first times we had Lynda all dressed up and it was one of our first experiences of seeing just how fast a day could go downhill with seizures.

Actually we were just beginning our journey with Lynda and at the time of this picture, I have to say we were totally clueless about what our future with Lynda would involve.

This Easter, Lynda is celebrating another first Easter...her first Easter in heaven.  I miss this little girl and at the same time I know heaven is sweeter with her there. 

Let Heaven and Earth Rejoice...

Let heaven and earth rejoice that we have a savior who loves us and gave His life for us.  Before the beginning of time.  Before the creation of heaven and earth.  When there was nothing except for the Trinity and sin had not entered the world yet, there was a plan for our salvation.  The sins of Adam and Eve didn't cause our God to come up with a Plan B for humanity.  Our Father knew before time that mankind would need a savior and that Christ was the only perfect sacrifice to take our place and bring us into redemption so we could become joint heirs with Jesus in the kingdom of God. 

It is not a myth.  It is not a story fabricated by man.  It is truth spoken by God himself when he became human and walked upon this earth.  Salvation is a gift freely given.  We do not earn it but we must accept the gift and submit our hearts to Jesus for the rest of our lives.  A gift that is more amazing than we can imagine yet one that many refuse to accept thinking it's "too easy" and there must be something else---something more difficult.  A catch or a trick.  No wonder Jesus said that if we didn't become as little children we could not inherit the kingdom of God.  Little children are trusting.  They are eager to believe in things they cannot see.

My daughter Lynda is in heaven.  She has been there for eight months now.  She is with Jesus because He died for her.  He was the ransom for her soul and she stands beside the one who stood before the Father and proclaimed that "this one is with me".  Life doesn't end with death for a child of God.  It just begins as the old body is cast away and replaced with a perfect body in the likeness of God.  Lynda can run and talk and sing praises to God.  She can recognize her family and talk to the characters in the Bible and hear the stories she's never heard before from the mouths of people like Noah and Jonah. 

My heart is filled and overflowing with gratitude for God allowing me to parent Lynda for 39 of her 42 years on earth and even more for the peace I have knowing that Christ did indeed prepare a place for her and that place is paradise where there is no night, no tears and nothing but sheer joy with the creator of the universe!

I Love It When I Dream a "Lynda Dream"...

I dreamed about Lynda last night and woke up this morning feeling like I'd had a visit.  It was a crazy dream where we were one place that suddenly turned into another one.  First we were in the auditorium at NMRC and then on the hillside at North Oxford Baptist Church and yes it was a "makes no sense whatsoever dream" but Lynda was there and that made sense.

In the beginning of the dream, NMRC was trying to match the linens on Lynda's bed to her pajamas.  Well, not matching but a complementary pattern.  LOL  There were two full size beds on the stage made up in different linens.  We were all sitting in the auditorium and there was obviously a big stage.  We were behind a glass like they are in Grey's Anatomy during surgery...lol    A staff member would bring Lynda in through a door on the left and she'd stand there beside the bed closest to her and we'd all ooh and ah about the combination. She was the age she was when she passed away and looked just like she did before she was sick.   I'm sure it was something I had requested.  It was funny after I woke up but dead serious during the dream.

Then suddenly we were at NOBC and a bunch of clients were on this mini-cope course where they were not above head height but Lynda was harnessed into this "thing" that had lots of silver chains and she was younger and loving whatever it was that it was supposed to be.  I was horrified until I heard her squeals and realized how much she loved it.  When it was over, I held her hand and we walked into the door of the fellowship hall at NOBC and right when the rec therapist who had been doing the "silver chainy thing" started to hold the door for Lynda and me to walk through....Lynda dropped my hand and took his and they walked on in.

I woke up.  In my dream I was thinking "Oh, I am so glad she likes him so much that she wants to go with him..."

Awake,  I think in a very convoluted way it was God and Lynda reinforcing the fact that she went to heaven willingly and happily.  I never saw the face of the therapist that held the door for Lynda but it IS interesting that the scene switched over to the church.  I dropped her hand as she took his hand and they walked through the door and I stood in the opening watching them kind of fade away.

It was reassuring to me in the dream.  It is, of course, reassuring to me in reality because I know who Lynda is with even though I've never seen His face.  Yet.  But Lynda has and I can't wait to see that beautiful face myself.

I thank God for allowing me to "visit" with Lynda in my dreams.  I feel her presence with me today.

We Appreciate the 8000 Views....

Once again it is humbling to know that in the eight months that Lynda's blog has been online as a memorial to her life....there have been 8,000 views from people representing countries from around the world. 

We weren't ready to let Lynda go...We will never forget her and how she touched our lives in so many ways.  We will always keep her memory alive and we thank you for joining us every day in this effort.

Lynda never spoke more than a dozen words yet she profoundly changed lives during her forty-two years on this planet.  She continues to do so through the stories of her life and through those of us who have been forever changed by her life.

I am blessed to be her mother and I thank God every day for leading me to her and for trusting me to take care of one of his precious forever children.

April is Autism Awareness Month....

April is autism awareness month but every day deserves our world taking note of how many children are born with with autism.  1 in 68 children.  These are the new statistics for the incidence of autism. 

When Lynda was born in 1971 and the years following when she was a toddler, there was very little known about autism.  Children who had dual disabilities such as autism and cognitive impairments were not classified as autistic.  Yet autism was actually her primary disability.

Children with autism are absolutely fascinating....some of God's most wonderful creations! 

Eight months....

Eight months since Lynda went to heaven and each day seems to have so many more hours than 24 when it comes to missing her.  Eight months literally feels like years.  I don't care what the circumstances or what age your child is when she dies...a mother is never ready to say good-bye even knowing that we'll be together again one day.  In my mind I know that she is perfect and whole...enjoying her new life in ways I cannot even imagine.  I am her mother and I should be there with her and I am their mother and although they are grown I should be here for them, too.  So until we are all there together, I will continue to be missing one of my children and it isn't a natural feeling.  It's a feeling that we gradually grow into but one that never really fits.

I am reminded of what Paul said in 2 Corinthians 5:8..."We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord."  That's what we're all longing for and Lynda is the first to accomplish this magnificent transformation.  Eight months later I continue to praise God for Lynda and my mother's heart continues to miss her.