Always on my mind...

Why is human nature so short sighted?   Even when we know that all of life's blessings come from God and that clearly our eyes should be squarely upon Jesus...we often look away from the face of Jesus.  When we take our eyes off of God's purposes for our lives, satan is right there to gain our attention. With our eyes off Jesus, even for a short time, we are vulnerable to the influence of satan's tricks.

God understands it and He warns us about it throughout the Bible. In John 10:10, Jesus says that the thief comes not except that he may steal, and kill and destroy;  I (Jesus) come that they may have life, and may have [it] abundantly.

Satan's tools are endless and he never tires.  What does he come to steal?  Well, for one thing our joy.  Our security in God's protection.  Our faith.  He comes to kill our hope and our desire to serve God.  He even comes to kill our earthly bodies.

We can't take our eyes off of Jesus.  Peter left the boat to join Jesus and was walking on the water! He hadn't practiced walking on water or taken lessons to do it.  He did it by faith and what faith that must have taken to take that first step out of the boat and onto the water.  The Bible tells us that at some point,  Peter took his eyes off of Jesus and he began to go down into the water with fear overtaking him.  Oh, how I can identify with Peter. 

This is my prayer and my goal to work toward achieving this year.  I want to experience the joy that God has in store for me.  I want to be just hard headed enough to deny satan the chance to put doubts into my mind that rob me of the peace that God wants for me.  

Lynda is always on my mind and forever in my heart.  She is also safe with Jesus out of the reach of satan.  This knowledge gives me pure joy and puts a smile on my face and a song of thanksgiving in my heart. I don't know that I have the ability to put into words what is in my heart but I want to try.

We have had readers from the United States, Russia,  Germany, France, Ukraine, Malaysia, Canada, United Kingdom, Turkey and Indonesia. These are the top ten countries who have visited the site the most often.  Some of you who have read Lynda's blog may be experiencing the same type of loss that our family has experienced. The only way that I have been able to survive this loss is knowing that God sent His only son that He loved desperately to suffer and die on a cross taking the sins of all the world with Him.  Jesus was God's gift to the world and salvation is possible only because of this precious gift of grace.

God said it all in John 3:16.  For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (NIV)  

Be sure you open the gift God has given you and accept the grace that comes through Jesus.  It is the single most important decision you will ever make and will allow you to walk through dark days as well as sunny ones knowing that you are joint heirs with Christ.   

Always on my mind.  Forever in my heart.  That's where my child is and that's where God's children are, too.  Always on His mind and forever in His heart.  It just doesn't get any better than that!

John Denver - Annie's Song was also Lynda's song...

Today I was at Kroger beginning my shopping and the music to Annie's song began to play.  As many of you know, John Denver was Lynda's favorite singer and she loved his songs and could recognize them after just a few notes.  She loved the songs so much that we played them non-stop through speakers in her room when she was a little girl.  When we planned her celebration of life service, it was just appropriate that John Denver's music would play during visitation in honor of Lynda's love for his music.

I don't even remember ever hearing music in Kroger.  I'm sure I've just always tuned it out while I was busily trying to find the items on my grocery list.  Today, it just stopped me in my tracks.  I didn't know if Russ had noticed but when I looked at him and our eyes met,  I knew he had heard it also and knew what memories it would evoke.  He softly said "I'm sorry" and my reply was "I'm going to just accept this as Lynda saying hello".  I stood in the produce section and listened and remembered how she had loved this song.  I listened to the words it was one of those times that I felt God was sending me a special little reminder that Lynda was sending her love.  The song was popular in 1974.  Not your typical song to here in 2015 in the grocery store!

Listen to the lyrics.  The song is beautiful and from the album that had most of Lynda's all time favorites.  It took my breath away.  For a few minutes I just stood and listened and let my mind go back to the time that Lynda was little and knew his voice and his songs even if it was a new song she'd never heard before.

I hope Lynda gets to make friends with John Denver and hears her favorite songs often.  I always wanted to let him know what a impact he had made on her life.  I think he knows now.  Blessed mother for an unexpected gift today.  Annie's Song is Lynda's song, too.

Lynda's Snow Angel...

 God has blessed us today with one of his most beautiful creations...snow.  For those of us who live in the south, it is especially precious.  For me, I have been praying for snow both last winter and this winter to be able to make a special snow angel.

Snow gives everything a soft, clean covering.  Lynda just loved the snow.  She loved to play in it and to feel it on her face.  I always put tons of bird seed outside her windows on the sill and under the trees so the birds would come right up to her while she stood playing and watching the snow.  She loved the birds flying about, too.

Snow reminds me of Lynda and I've wanted to make a snow angel for her on her grave for two winters now.  Today, before the roads became slick and hazardous, Russ and I went over to the cemetery and I made her snow angel.  The ground wasn't completely frozen yet and the snow wasn't nearly as thick as it is now but I was afraid to wait.  It was a very therapeutic thing for this nana to do.  Warm tears mixed with cold snowflakes as happy memories mixed with the knowledge that Jesus covers our sins with his blood just as the snow covers the ground.  We become as white as snow and I can't look at the snow without thinking about how blessed we are. 

 I imagine there is snow in heaven or something even more amazing.  I cannot wait to find out!

Lynda's First Valentine...

When a child is on the lower end of the spectrum of autism, they often don't have a means of communicating effectively.  Lynda had about eight words that she used with multiple meanings.  For instance she could say "kitty kitty" and that referred to any four legged animal.  She called me nana and she could say hot.  She coined the name for her grandmother, "nana hot" which was ingenious because her Grandmother cooked her favorite foods and was often at the stove.  She called Larry "Da da" and her Granddaddy Anderson, "Dada Bye Bye" because she loved to go riding in the car and he was the one who dropped everything and took her out to see the cows (kitty kittys) in the country.

She had about eight words and when she added a new one to her repertoire, one of the known words disappeared.  It was as if her little brain could keep in working memory only eight or so words so she made the most of what she had.  You can see how every word was precious and when she used "Howdy" to greet her friend Billy Reynolds each day on the little special needs school bus, he was quick to respond with "howdy".  Billy was the son of Lynda's teacher Jan and drove the bus as a young man.  He loved Lynda and it was mutual.  She was the first passenger he picked up and the last to get off.  Her seat was right behind his and there is no telling how many times she said "howdy" during the bus route but one thing I know for sure is that for every time she said it, he responded with "howdy".  Billy was her first valentine.

There are not a lot of young men who fall in love with a special needs child but this one did.  He was this big tough guy with a gentle spirit for Lynda.  When she was six or seven, her class was going to the zoo in Memphis which was about an hour and a half from Oxford where we lived.  I wasn't going to send her on the trip because I couldn't go.  Billy asked for permission to take her and be responsible for her that day.  Responsibility for a child who was as likely to try and climb into the cages with the animals as not or to break away from the group running at break neck speeds was not something to be taken lightly.  When I saw how serious he was about wanting her to go, I allowed her to go.  I have beautiful pictures of her sitting on a bench with a bright red balloon tied to her wrist and some with Billy standing beside her as she rode the merry-go-round grinning from ear to ear.  He sat beside her at the picnic table at lunch.  He spent the entire day beside this little blond streak of lightening and my heart was overflowing with gratitude that Lynda had a valentine all year long.

He babysat for her as is demonstrated in the picture here at a time when we didn't leave her with very many babysitters due to her seizures.  Who would have ever dreamed this popular guy would chose to spend an evening with his seven year old valentine but he did repeatedly.

There came a time when Billy joined the Air Force and we have pictures of him telling his now twelve year old Valentine goodbye for a while.  When he came home to Oxford to visit he always dropped by the house to say "howdy" to his first little valentine now with his wonderful wife, Donna whom he married, by the way on Valentine's Day.  Billy is now Bill.  The babysitter of my little special needs daughter is now a Full  Bird Colonel in the United States Air Force.  He made a career in the USAF and a career of helping others.

When Lynda passed away we wanted Billy to be able to participate from across the country so Russ arranged to skype with him during visitation.  He was set up on one side of the visitation room and Kristopher who was in Denver was on the other side.  I was so touched that the air force had allowed him to adjust his schedule to be a part of saying good-bye to his friend.  I was touched that after all of these years, Lynda was still a large part of his heart.

The Billy Reynolds of this world who make a difference in the lives of special needs children and their families are a rare commodity.   He was raised by a mama who loved special needs children with every fiber of her soul.  Jan Reynolds was Lynda's teacher and my mentor.  I owe so much to her.  Raising her children to respect and love the weakest of God's creations is just another thing that she can add to her list of accomplishments. 

This Valentine's Day and every one to come I think of Lynda and I thank God that she had a special valentine who loved her just like she was.

Lynda's Blue Bird

When I saw this ceramic blue bird this week-end, I knew immediately where one was going.  If you didn't read my story about the blue birds about three months after Lynda passed away, I've included it again.  


 About a week after we put the angel wings at Lynda's grave I was walking over when I noticed a bird sitting on the top of the display.  As it flew away I could see the beautiful blue wings and the rust colored breast and knew a blue bird had stopped there to perch.  Bluebirds are beautiful to me and  they're also a bird that I don't see every day.  When I saw the bluebird resting on the wrought iron plant hanger beside Lynda's grave I  thought about the bird being referred to as "the bluebird of happiness".  How ironic.  This was a bluebird but certainly not a bluebird of happiness in the middle of the cemetery.  But there it sat as if it were part of the display we had created and the symbolism was not lost on me.

There must be flocks and flocks of bluebirds in heaven, each more iridescent than the other. 

I thought that I had read that bluebirds didn't flock but traveled alone or with a partner.  So I thought this bluebird was the only one or at best one of two who lived nearby.

Last week as I was walking around the cemetery looking at stones nearby, I saw another bluebird.  And then another and another.  Obviously I was wrong about the bluebirds not flocking because there not far from Lynda's grave was a small flock of bluebirds.  They spread their wings when they saw me and I watched their blue wings catch the sun's light.  The beautiful undersides of their wings shine and glow when the sun  magnifies the brilliance of the blue.                                                            

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Apparently they have made this their home or somewhere close.  I see them often when I'm visiting Lynda's grave.  Maybe they're there to remind us all that this world is not our home.  The body we use here on earth is not our final body.  For a Christian, nothing is final about the grave.

Paul said it best.  “We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.” 2 Corinthians 5:8.

So today,  two months and three weeks after Lynda left this body and winged her way to heaven with Jesus I look at these beautiful bluebirds and consider them a gentle reminder from God that the cemetery IS the place to celebrate happiness for Lynda.  To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.  The only sadness that I have is because I miss her.

When no one disturbs the quiet of the cemetery there are beautiful bluebirds throughout the grounds.  Sometimes a bird lingers so it can remind a grieving mother that true happiness is knowing your child is safe in the arms of Jesus.

The God of Angel Armies....

The God of angel armies is who is standing by my side and who is holding the world in His hands and MY world in his hands.  I love the lyrics and the line about He is a friend of mine.  How awesome that we can call God our friend and that He considers us HIS friend.  He holds my Lynda is His hands and there is no better feeling in the world than to know that when Lynda left this world I knew that God stood before me and before Lynda and He who commands angel armies scooped her up into His arms into safety from this evil world she had endured.  Indeed, whom shall I fear when the God of angel armies is on my side!  Let it really sink in.  Isn't it just more than you can fathom?  If you think the battles that are being fought on this earth today are bad (and they are) they pale in comparison to the spiritual battles that are being waged all around us every day.  Indeed, they are really one and the same.  The God of Angel Armies can be by your side, too if you just ask Him into your heart.  It's a wonderful feeling to know that God will always go before you and is always behind.  He always surrounds you and protects you and commands the angels to keep watch.  Claim your promise.

Riptides and Memories...

I haven't written a post in a while.  It's certainly not because Lynda hasn't been on my mind.  I can't really explain the place I have been in the grieving process but I imagine some of you who have walked this road before me will understand.  Even though I have been able to express my thoughts and feelings about Lynda and all that was and is associated with her, there came a time about Christmas that I just could not do it any more.  I felt like I was in the movie "A Christmas Carol" where the three ghosts were visiting Scrooge and he was being shown the Christmas of Christmas Past.  He told the spirit to remove him because he could not bear it any more.

Especially at Christmas I have such bittersweet memories and while I wouldn't take anything for each one,  I found especially this Christmas I had to be so careful with my heart.  I was explaining to someone the other day that one of the things you realize when you lose a loved one is that the pictures you have right now at this moment are all that will ever be taken.  Lynda didn't always enjoy having her picture made (and that's such a nice way of putting it) so I don't have tons of pictures to begin with.  When I was gathering pictures for the funeral I had to stop looking after a short period of time and plan the rest of the service.  I put the boxes back into storage.  I have looked at each picture that I have out a zillion times.  I'm now ready to go through the boxes again and try to find every single picture that I have ever taken.

Grief is a strange emotion that changes like a chameleon.  It washes over you like a wave.  It ebbs and flows and sometimes there are rip currents that aren't expected.  It can happen even in the shallow part of the water.  Even a good swimmer  has to be vigilant about going into the ocean.  Regardless of the potential dangers,  the gentle waves of the ocean and the soft warm sand is comforting and makes me happy.  Grief has a similar effect when dealing with  the memories of a loved one.  Sometimes it is gentle and at other times, it causes us to gather our memories close to our hearts to avoid drowning in the depth of just how deep the grief can actually be.  Sometimes our life preserver is to just hold our loved one in our heart without sharing a single memory with another living soul.  I don't know why.  Like the advice given to swimmers caught in the riptide to just swim parallel with the coast and not try to fight the force that is trying to pull them down...dealing grief is similar.  It goes against what our first instincts are and that is to fight it.  Slowly we learn to just swim parallel to the coast until we are out of the downward pull of the riptide.  Then, we take a deep breath, dry ourselves off and in a few days venture back into the water.

So, I've dried myself off and survived the swim out of the rough waters yet again.  I'll go back into the ocean of memories because it's one of my favorite places in the world but I know that it's not safe to swim alone.  Sharing Lynda's stories and memories feels like the warm sun is shining down with  a soft breeze blowing off the ocean.  I can close my eyes and for just a little while I'm there and so is she.