I Prayed For This Child...

I look at this picture of Lynda and me over forty years ago and I fight back the tears...but I know by now I'm not going to win.  Tonight they are tears of gratitude to God for taking my prayer to be the parent of a child with special needs and answering it with Lynda.  I had no idea that such a little girl could change the course of my life forever but that's how God works.  He brought this little blond streak of lightening into my world and I have never been the same.

To be able to interact with Lynda and to understand her needs God led me into world of special education and showed me what I truly loved and where my life's work would be.  Lynda personalized autism for me and was the teacher that no professor or textbook could match.  She drew the whole family into the field of special education over the years and influenced more people than I can name.

I cannot imagine my life had I not met Lynda and had she not been my little girl.  I am thankful that her biological mother took her to a safe place to relinquish her when she could care for her no longer and that God allowed me to step into the role of her mother through adoption.  All of our children are miracles because they all are gifts from God.

Life is fleeting.  As I look at the picture of Lynda and me...I see life just beginning for us both.  The path traveled was pretty rocky and narrow at times but God was always there leading and carrying both Lynda and me through the most treacherous parts of our journey together.  When she and I came to the final fork in the road and her body couldn't make another step...Jesus was there still leading...right into heaven.

I prayed for this child and the Lord did grant me what I asked of him.  I will spend eternity thanking him for dying on the cross so that I know without a doubt  that I will see her again.  I thank him every day that he answers prayers and changes lives.  I'm so thankful that I'm a sinner saved by grace.

The Heart Stores the Memories...

When a parent loses a child through death, I think one of the fears we have is that our child will be forgotten and that some how even we may lose some of the memories that we have.  We have memorized every feature of our child but in reality there is no way that even the smallest detail could escape a parent's heart where all of these things are stored.  When all that is left are those memories...pictures, videos...any treasure that reminds us of our precious child become almost sacred.  We know that on this side of heaven, this is all we have and we cling to it with every ounce of energy we have.

God has blessed me with such wonderful memories and yet as days have turned to weeks and months have now been numbered in years---almost two to be exact---I find myself thinking of memories as the "black and white" version of the real life we once shared.  They are the snapshots in time that marked Lynda's life here.  They are great to have now but they are in no way as good as the "real thing" when she was alive and here with us.  And oh how I miss her.

Luckily God reminds me that heaven and earth are just opposites of this situation I find myself in right now.  While I feel that life with Lynda here was like rich, vivid color and now that she is no longer with me, the memories pale in comparison---God paints a picture of earthly existence and heaven in direct contrast.  Life here on earth is the shadowy black and white version while heaven's pictures of life are full color and multidimensional.

2 Corinthians 5:1
For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.

Through the years, the "memory pictures" may tend to blur but the love in our hearts never diminishes...in fact, it continues to grow as we look toward heaven's reunion.

What Grieving Feels Like...

The second Mother's Day since Lynda passed away is over and I have to say that this celebration is perhaps the most difficult for me.  It's actually harder than Lynda's birthday or Christmas.  Mother's Day is the day that the irony of life just slaps me right in the face. I find myself struggling to realize that I am going to celebrate another mother's day without one of my children.  Don't get me wrong.  I know where Lynda is and I know who she is with and I celebrate her rebirth in heaven. Still, I am also a mother.  I am her mother and Kevin's and Kristopher's.  I'm a step-mom to Kelly and Kristen and I am blessed to have six wonderful grandchildren and through the marriage of my children, I have gained two more daughters and a son.  Our family circle is growing and yet I will never get used to putting flowers on my daughter's grave.

On any day, I'm just a breath away from screaming to the top of my lungs the same anguished sound that came out when the doctor confirmed that there was no more hope.  Some days I cry (no I sob) but I think to myself that this isn't all there is.  God has promised more and I cling to that promise like a life preserver in the open sea.

I have dealt with my grief through steps and phases.  I've worked through stages and revisited some and worked through them again and again.  I've come to the point in my life that God has blessed me with an understanding and faith so that my heart doesn't feel like it's being ripped from my body now when I hear her name.  Except on Mother's Day or when I hear an unexpected song or I have a dream about her that makes me sit straight up in bed and for a moment forget she's gone.

Since the first day I met Lynda, I have prayed for her.  I have talked to Jesus about her and for her.  I have asked God to send angels to guard her and watch over her.  I've prayed that he would provide angels to talk to her and let her know that she was loved and adored in ways I couldn't communicate.  For so many years, I prayed to the Father that she wouldn't be in pain or and that no one would hurt her.

After so many years of praying for Lynda, when I now began to pray, I sometimes still find myself starting to ask God to protect her. Then reality reminds me  that she is no longer on earth but in heaven where there is nothing but peace.  Even though all of my children are grown and on their own, I still worry and pray for them.  For their safety.  For their happiness. For their walk with God.  No matter how old they get, as long as I'm alive they are my children and I will be on my knees talking to the Father about them and to him on their behalf.  I will be praying for their spouses and my grandchildren.

I still pray to God about Lynda to thank him for allowing me to be her mother.  I ask him to tell her how much I love her and can't wait to see her again but I don't have to pray FOR her because she is living and being cared for and loved by our savior and I want to shout with joy that she is a joint heir with Christ and a much loved daughter of the King.

How can so many emotions live inside one person?  How do we ever really get over giving back a child?  Some days I wonder.  Some days I just have to go with the flow and know the next day will be better.  Every day it helps me to stop and think about heaven and Lynda right smack in the middle of it.  Some days I'm looking at the skies to see if I can get a glimpse of the coming of the rapture in hopes that today will be THE day.

I keep telling myself to be patient because what seems like forever here on earth is really just a blink of the eyes in the scheme of eternity.  God still has things for me to do here and I know his timing is perfect.

Devil...you are DEFEATED!

I think of Lynda off and on every day.  Oh how I would love to be able to see her and walk with that sweet hand patting me on my back.  I see beautiful clouds in the sky or a bright orange sunset and think of how amazingly gorgeous it must be in heaven.  My thoughts always move at warp speed when I think about heaven and the price that Jesus paid to include us all if we accept his grace. I thought about Lynda tonight and how many of life's pleasures she was denied throughout her life her on earth due to mental and physical disabilities.  

The Bible says that the devil's purpose is to kill, steal and destroy and he certainly did all of those things to Lynda in the 42 years she lived here on earth.  Because of Jesus, Lynda will get to have the last word!   It gives me great pleasure to know that Lynda is home and safe.  Lynda has defeated satan because she was always on Jesus' mind. Even while  on the cross.  All of the times she was mistreated, he never left her and now she is sheltered in his arms forever.  The devil is defeated and it gives me a great deal of comfort to know that Lynda is safely out of his reach.

Sometimes I can sense that people become uncomfortable when Christians speak about the devil as if he is real and that we attribute things that are happening around us to satan.  Yet the Bible very clearly teaches that satan does roam the earth in an effort to steal, destroy and kill.  The good news is that Jesus came to give us life abundantly.  There is spiritual warfare going on every day around us and if you have placed your faith in Jesus, you have already won the battle!  Satan isn't going to give up trying to steal anything that he can...our joy and our peace of mind... but if we keep our eyes on Jesus we will be just fine.  Knowing that our souls are secured for heaven by believing in Jesus and that one day the devil will be banished to utter darkness is sweet.

For Lynda, all of the battles are over.  Eternity will be spend with Jesus.  Hallelujah! 

Mother's Day...

Mother's Day 2015 is just around the corner and Lynda is especially on my mind.  Just like Mother's Day last year, my mind goes back to the first time I became a mother many years ago.  It wasn't on Mother's Day...it was January 22, 1974 but she was the first.  Until that day, I was simply a 22 year old who had been married for four years, had just graduated a year earlier with a degree in art education and was ready to make a life changing decision to become the foster parent to a child with very special medical and mental needs.

Five years later, I became the mom to Kevin and then again in 1983 to Kristopher through biological births.  On September 17, 1982 (Kevin's 4th birthday),  the baby I was carrying was miscarried but I am that baby's mommy, too and cannot wait to meet him or her in heaven.

In 1992, I was blessed to become a step-mom to Kelly and Kristen when Russ and I blended our families.  Russ and I lost a baby that year also through miscarriage.  We didn't plan on adding another child to the family but to this day I count up how old that child would be and rejoice that when I get to heaven, I will celebrate being a mother in a way I've never celebrated before.  How I long to see Lynda again and meet my other two children for the first time.  What a blessing that Jesus has made that celebration and reunion possible through his death on the cross.

How empty our lives would be if all we had to live for was what we have here on earth.  What sorrow we would be forced to carry daily if we didn't have the promise of eternal life in heaven with our creator and those who have gone on to heaven before us.  Of course, I wish I could wrap my arms around Lynda right now and I long to know if my babies whose time on earth was numbered in weeks instead of years are girls or boys.  I wonder what their personalities would have been like and what they would be doing right now.  I wonder daily what Lynda will be like when I see her again and she can communicate her thoughts in a way she was never able to do here on earth.

Heaven holds everything for me.  It holds everything for anyone who is a Christian, actually.  To see the face of God and worship him for eternity sends chills up my spine.  Like the song says, "We've no less days to sing his praise than when we've first begun".  I can't wait.  This place is not my home.  So glad I know where my forever home will be.

This mother's day I am blessed with sons and daughters and their spouses and grandchildren.  I am blessed to still have my mother here at age 92.  Life is good.  Blessed beyond measure.