Four Weeks and Four Hours

We still count how many weeks and how many days since Lynda left this world for Paradise.  And yes, on Saturdays (the day she died) I even sometimes count hours.  It's still August.  That makes it seem less time has passed.  When it turns to September tomorrow it will be counted in months.  I don't know why we do this but it's part of the grieving process, I guess.  It's certainly a part of being human.  September will bring the reminder of Lynda's birthday when she would have been 42 years old on September 21st.

Being a Christian and grieving for a child that you know is with Jesus brings a comfort that nothing here on earth can rival.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that she is perfect and with the one who rescued her.  I know one day I will see her again and when I do I'll be able to talk to her and hear her sweet voice.  I have no doubt she will teach many things just as she did while we were on earth together.  I hope God will allow me to see her as the little girl I lost when she had the stroke when she was ten.  I've already grieved for the loss of that child before.  I would just love to be able to pick that little girl up again and hold her close and hear her say "Nana".  I know God will have plans so much better than I can even imagine.  He is so amazing that there's no way for us to even begin to grasp how wonderful eternity with God is going to be.  Just knowing that eternity will be spent with God, the father:; Jesus, the son; and the Holy Spirit who has interceded between our voiced and unvoiced prayers to our Father to make them pleasing to His ears is all I need to know.

Being a Christian however doesn't make us immune to grief and sadness.  When Jesus was on earth as a human, he also experienced the emotions of sadness and grief.  Of indignation and anger.  He was tired.  He was overwhelmed by the needs of his followers.  He was saddened by those who betrayed him.  He was human and he shared our human emotions yet the Bible says he didn't sin.  He was perfect.  Sometimes Christians don't know what to say to fellow believers who have lost a loved one.  Yes, it is comforting to be reminded that our loved one is with Jesus.  Please don't tell me that this was God's will for Lynda to suffer from seizures, abuse or cancer.  Satan is still alive and Jesus says in John 10:10 the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.  The thief (satan) has been defeated by Jesus dying on the cross for our sins.  The powers of satan are decreased and limited because Christ has already won the victory.  Yet, we are told in the Bible many times that satan and his fallen angel friends roam about the earth unseen trying to do anything they can to wreck havoc in our lives, our families, our communities, our nation, our world.  Can he snatch our souls from the hands of Jesus if we have been redeemed by God.  Absolutely not.  We are promised that nothing can separate us from God.  However, satan wants to kill our hope, kill our purpose, kill our testimony....and build a chasm between God and us through any means he can to throw doubt on God's love for us.  He (satan) likes for us to believe that God called the children at Sandy Hook home because he needed more angels.  That it was "time" for the Boston marathon members who died to "be called home".  That when it's our turn to die, that's it.  This reality is not founded in the teachings of the Bible.  Satan came to steal, destroy and kill.  That includes Christians.  He can steal our bodies but he cannot steal our souls that Christ holds for His believers.  Do not be deceived.  If satan can talk to me enough to get me to think that all of the sad things that happened to Lynda here on earth was "God's Plan" then he has killed my joy.  If he kills my joy he has managed to diminish my testimony of how God has been right beside Lynda and me every second of the days she was on earth.  If he can place doubt into my mind about anything that I believe about God, satan has been successful in stealing and destroying my effectiveness in fulfilling God's purpose for me.  God's purpose for me was not just to raise Lynda on earth for 39 years and fight satan as he caused seizure after seizure, child abuse from schools and people trained to protect Lynda and ultimately to kill her earthly body.  God's purpose for me extends until my earthly life is over and I can no longer testify to His great love for Lynda and me.

I don't want satan to steal my joy for a single minute.  I believe that "joy" is also the "peace that passes understanding" that only God can give us.  Please understand though my heart is still broken as I miss and grieve for the loss of the earthly gift that God entrusted to me named Lynda Taylor Smith.  When you talk to someone who is a Christian who has lost a child please remember this.  Tell the parent that you know how much they are grieving for the child they lost (if you have ever lost a child). If not, don't tell them you know because you've lost a spouse or a parent.  It's not the same.  If they are Christians, they are well aware that their child is in the arms of Jesus.  It doesn't hurt to say "I know the ultimate peace is knowing your child is with Jesus who is loving on her or him right now BUT I know that YOU are still mourning your earthly loss and we're praying for you.  You put it into your own words.  My caution is not to expect a parent to be able to turn their parental love on and off after the death of a child EVEN if they know that they will see them again some day.  Some day for a grieving parent is abstract and TODAY is when their heart is raw from having seen their child die, in a casket and then a grave.  No words are necessary really.  Just hug them and then hug them again.  That is the best medicine you can give along with your prayers.  Tell them you're praying for them and then DO IT.  We often say "we're praying for you" just like we say "How are you?" and we reply "Fine".  There is more to "I'm praying for you".  It is a gift and it is a promise.

There will come a time that I don't count weeks and days and hours or even months.  Time will smooth some of the raw edges and God will provide opportunities for me to tell Lynda's story or who knows what else God might be up to for me?  Right now...I'm not only counting the weeks, days, and minutes....I'm trying to get through my life with God carrying me each week, day and minute.  He will.  He does.  He promised.  HE IS GOOD ALL OF THE TIME!!!!

Lynda's Guess What's in the Can Game

When Lynda was a little girl and had just been with us a few months we lived in Brewton, Alabama in a really big old house.  Our kitchen had a pantry right off of it where we kept...well all of the things one normally puts in a pantry.  Cans of fruits and vegetables and other food items.  We had an antique ice box that Lynda loved to crawl into and play with her plastic pots and pans.  It had three compartments with doors that couldn't be locked so it was a great place for Lynda to play while I cooked or cleaned in the kitchen.  Lynda didn't really care for traditional toys.  We had tried more than a few.  She enjoyed things she could line up in a neat row like my dining room chairs, the boxes of pampers with the faces all turned exactly the same or cans.  She didn't stack them up.  She lined them up...very much a characteristic of a child with autism.  She could scan a room in seconds and notice if anyone had moved her arrangement of pamper boxes even the slightest.  She would quickly put the boxes back into the order that she had them.

The antique ice box was very close to the pantry.  I usually gave her a few cans to play with but one day (when I was still in denial that I would never be able to stay a step ahead of Lynda), she decided to take more cans out of the pantry.  She carefully arranged them in lines that snaked across the kitchen floor.  I wasn't particularly concerned because she enjoyed putting them back into the pantry as much as taking them out.  So I was feeling pretty confident that all was well and I decided to take a quick potty break close by.  Most of the time Lynda joined me so I knew exactly what she was doing but I thought I knew that and I let my guard down for three to four minutes.  Three to four minutes was all it took.  When I came back into the kitchen I found in the place of the cans of green beans, corn, fruit cocktail and other items with beautiful labels describing the contents ...a line of shiny silver cans.  There were large ones and smaller ones but one thing they all had in common was that they all gleamed in silver radiance after being freed from their labels.  Each label had been unceremoniously pulled off and lay crumpled in the floor. The cans...ah the cans were all alike now. First in the line were the small silver cans and next were the middle sized silver cans and at the end of the perfect line were the largest shiny silver cans.  I stood in amazement at how quickly she had accomplished removing the labels from an entire pantry of can goods.  We had many mystery meals.  Sometimes I was able to choose a vegetable but on other occasions my vegetable turned out to really be a fruit.  We had to laugh about it because there was no other option unless we threw them all away and started over and what guarantee did we have that the exact thing wouldn't happen again?  Absolutely none. The sheer joy on her face made me understand why the labels had to come off.  The labels were all different.  She could not line up different things in an orderly manner conducive with the obsessive compulsive behaviors of her little autistic brain.  The labels had to go and so they did.  At the end of playing with the shiny silver cans she and I put them back into the pantry.  In the pantry they all looked shiny and silver, too.  They all looked alike which was great for making a shiny silver line on the floor.  It was not so handy when trying to prepare a meal and guessing what was in the can by the size and shape of the can or the way its sounded when I shook it close to my ear.

Last summer, when I cleaned up mother's house while she was in the hospital, I found one of Lynda's cans she had played with at Nana Hot's house.  It was smushed down into a kind of an accordion shape.  No longer was it a shiny silver.  It was now a rusty brown.  Many years ago the label had been pulled off the can which was now a rusty brown and for about 37 years her grand mother had kept it under her antique washstand in her bedroom.  Lynda hadn't played with cans since her stroke in 1981 but the memories of the days when she did are still very vivid in my mind.  I threw the rusted can in the garbage but I understood fully why my mother had allowed it to stay there all of these years.  Lynda loved that smushed can and my mother loved Lynda.  Many times mother had cooked Lynda's favorites out of those cans and sometimes--- she just watched Lynda as she played with the  unopened, unlabeled cans making shiny silver lines across my mother's hardwood floors.

God's Miracles Big and Small

Today when the alarm went off at 5:30 A.M., Russ hit the button but it wasn't the snooze button it was the TURN IT OFF button.  When we he woke up the next time, it was 6:40 which was when we usually are already half way to Pontotoc.  We don't have an operational  "hurry mode" right now so we decided to take a half day and go in at 11:30.  Just that little bit of extra time really helped our tired bodies.  I'm glad God takes care of the details.  He knew we needed rest but he also knew we wouldn't take the time off on our own.  Our God supplies ALL of our needs...and often in very unusual ways.  When you look for a miracle don't expect it to always be something big and showy (although our God created the universe).  He sometimes uses the common things and the unexpected (after all our Savior was born in a stable). 

There is no way our minds can wrap around how our God does the things he does.  It will really hurt your head if you even try and figure out the differences in how God thinks and how man thinks.  The best we can do is to have faith that he is capable of anything, he is in charge of everything and he knows what is best for us.  Then if we try to follow the example of Jesus and live the way he has mapped it out for us we don't have to even worry about what God is doing in our lives...we just know that he's got it all under control with eternity in mind.  Now especially when I'm living on auto-pilot it's such a blessing and comfort to know that God is in control and can guide me through this storm just as he has so many in previous years.

I thank God for his perfect timing in all things...even the time that we'll wake up to go to work!

Tired To My Core

This is my planning period and I've planned as much as my brain will allow.  This is not a profound statement by any means but rather an observation.  Grieving is hard work.  Trying to just put one foot in front of the other without falling flat on your face is...well pretty time-consuming.  These are some observations I will share (at no cost to you)...People greet me every day at various times of the day, in various settings, pretty much a rhetorical question..."How are you doing today?"  or "Are you having a good day?" or "Did you have a great week-end?"  Summer?  You fill in the blank.  I know no answer is really expected so I don't feel I have to say anything more than "Hey, how are you?" or "Hi" and skip the answer to the rhetorical question.  Ever fiber of my body wants to scream MY DAUGHTER DIED 23 DAYS AGO!  HOW DO YOU THINK I AM DOING?" but our social conventions don't allow that type of behavior so I just say "Good".  I've thought about wearing a big button like the football moms wear that says "My Daughter Lynda just died" so please don't ask me if I'm having a great day.  I'm just trying to make it through the day.  Strangers don't know I've lost a child.  Friends are just exchanging pleasantries.

I am tired.  No, I'm exhausted.  I know Russ is worn completely out from doing his job and taking care of me, too.  My brain is tired.  My back is tired.  My concentration and memory weren't the best in the world before August 3rd but now I struggle to remember how to do the simplest things.  You'll be happy to know that I don't drive so you can breathe a sigh of relief about that one.  I just want to lay down and rest without having to think about anything and I'd like to do it according to when my body says it's tired not according to when I'm off work.  I love my job.  I love my kids.  I'm just not one of those people that getting right back to work is therapeutic but I am one of those people who wants to eat each month and pay my ever mounting bills.  My principal has been totally supportive about coming back when I'm ready and has not put any pressure on me which is a blessing.  Those I work with have been great and having Russ in the same room with me is awesome.  But did I mention, I'm tired.  Emotionally, physically and just about any other way I can think of to describe it.  God sustains me.  I know that I will get through this phase of my life and the aches and pains that go along with it.  I just wish that the world would stop spinning for just a little while with all of the problems that go along with  not having enough money to meet all of our present needs, that there was a quota for how many family problems could occur during one period of time and I didn't have to keep reminding myself that one day soon there will be a big envelope in the mailbox and in it will be a death certificate with Lynda's name on it.

I am thankful to have a job that I love.  I'm thankful that I know that I will have an evening meal and that I have a comfortable bed to jump right into as soon as I get home (oh and with three cute dogs who will be so happy to see me)...please continue to pray for Russ and me.  We know that God is carrying us right now and so thankful that he is!!!

Lynda's Legacy of Love...a video tribute with tissue alert

For several years I have wanted to make a video of Lynda's pictures using the song "Taking You Home" by Don Henley.  I even made some progress by assembling some of my favorite photographs into a box.  Some of these were the pictures we used in Lynda's photo collage for visitation.  Something more pressing always came along and I'd put the pictures back with plans to return soon.

After Lynda's death, there was nothing more pressing than to create the video that has been living in my heart for 39 years.  We added a short portion of Michael W. Smith's "Trilogy:  Entertaining Angels Unaware" to complete Lynda's journey to her forever home.  We have emailed the publishers of the musical artists for permission to use their music in our video tribute to Lynda.  Someone wrote directions on google of how to do it and they received permission back within a day and it was free.  Pray that we too are blessed by the artists allowing us the rights to continue to use the music and show Lynda's video tribute on You Tube.

Click on the link below.  It is about 8 minutes long and I will have to warn you at the end of the video it shows Lynda in ICU.  The little video within the video was made right after we had removed the vent and a zillion tubes.  Her arms were out of restraints so she could play with her favorite toy.  We found it incredible that even in her condition she still found comfort in her favorite toy.  Shortly after the video was made we moved Lynda upstairs to hospice where she slept peacefully with pain medications.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cT8IiiIjSi8

Every view on Lynda's blog is a cherished tribute

Lynda's blog has already had hits from hundreds of people in the United States as well as about ten  other countries.  Each person who visits Lynda's blog takes away a little more of our grief.  Each time we are able to share Lynda's stories with others we are blessed.   We miss her deeply and you know that people who have lost a loved one want to talk about their loved one.   Communicating with others about her through the blog keeps me busy.  It keeps my focus on how much God loves Lynda.  Even when Lynda lived on earth, Lynda couldn't speak for 30 years.  Prior to her stroke in 1982, she had a limited vocabulary but she was able to express her needs with words, gestures and facial expressions and body language we learned to interpret.

God chose Lynda to shine the light of truth on many important and necessary subjects to benefit children with special needs.  He asked me to join him in a life-long commitment to serve as Lynda's advocate.  In doing so I have traveled some roads that I certainly wouldn't have chosen for Lynda and myself had the choice been left up to me... but it wasn't.  I knew from the beginning that I was God's hands for Lynda but he was the one guiding our footsteps.

Often as a parent of a child with profound disabilities, I have felt alone and isolated.  After her death, the grief almost suffocated me with the intensity of the feelings I was working through.  God granted me the peace that does defy all understanding.  Lynda's blog has been a part of the healing process and the way that God has demonstrated that Lynda's legacy of love lives on and will forever.

So, when you visit her blog please accept our sincerest appreciation for honoring Lynda in this way.  We would love for you to follow us on google + or by email.  Most of all, we would love for you to comment on the posts and let us know where you live and if you too are a member of the club that none of us ever wanted to be in...parents whose child or children have preceded us in death.  I believe that I will see Lynda again and I know that she is in the arms of Jesus right now.  That is the ultimate comfort but I am her mother and I miss her right now.

 Visit and visit often because in doing so you are helping to spread Lynda's great legacy of love. 





 

Three Weeks in Heaven

Three weeks ago this morning, Lynda took her last breath on earth and victoriously entered into heaven with her creator.  Three weeks.  Twenty-one "earth" days.  Just a blink in heaven.  She had endured a life that none of us would choose for ourselves with instances of abuse and many seizures.  She had been restrained and ignored during her lifetime here.  She had also been loved unconditionally and cherished as the gift from God that she was.

In three weeks, I have ridden the emotional roller coaster of grief sometimes feeling that I couldn't get my breath and sometimes wishing that I wouldn't breathe.  I have looked at pictures and relived the good times as Lynda grew up.  I've visited the grave where I know her body is but it has never been like visiting Lynda because I know she isn't there.  No grave could hold my savior and He has promised the same to His own.  Lynda is His.  She was a "forever child" pure and blameless.  She spent almost 42 years in this world teaching others about compassion, love, justice and equality.  God worked through her in ways even I don't know about and won't know until I too join Lynda and Jesus.

I prayed to God to unburden my heart and take away the overwhelming sadness I felt every afternoon at about 5:30 p.m.  I even went to the doctor to see if there was anything I could take temporarily to help me not dread the end of the day.  The doctor talked with me and listened to me and gave me two anxiety prescriptions.  As I was explaining about my back pain that was different than my typical back and neck pain and was asking if this too was stress related, she decided to run a few tests and found that I had a UTI that was causing my back pain.  Armed with a diagnosis and an antibiotic I could feel the weight begin to lift from my shoulders.  I haven't had to use any medication for anxiety but having it in my possession just makes me feel better.  Even though I know my God is an awesome God and is able to do anything and everything, I am still in awe of how He works miracles in the blink of an eye.  The next day after one antibiotic, my back began to hurt less.  The anxiety lifted.  I felt like a different person.  I could think about Lynda, look at her pictures, think about her memories and when the occasional tear welled up in my eyes, I could appreciate my feelings and move on.  From the moment God snapped His fingers and in the second it took He changed my grief back into joy.  I so badly wanted to let satan know without a doubt that he had not been successful in robbing Lynda of her life or of robbing me of my joy.  God answered that prayer and I am so thankful.  I will always miss Lynda and there will always be things that sneak up on me and bring tears to my eyes.  I will also always remember where she is and who she is with.  For Lynda (as for all of us who are believers) death is the beginning of life.  How ironic that we humans have the whole concept turned upside down.  We should grieve for being on this earth and look forward to the day we wing our way to Jesus for life eternal.

I know for me, I spend a lot of time dreaming about the rapture and dreaming of the day that I get to see Jesus and thank Him face-to-face for dying for MY sins and for taking away Lynda's suffering and holding her safely in His arms.  It was (and is) hard to realize that my job that God gave me to take care of Lynda is complete.  She was a gift and I always knew that.  I loved her and still do.  God loves her more.  I took care of her as she was growing up.  HE created her and gave her life itself.  He has always had Lynda in His grip and He never let go...not even in death.  He just tightened His grip as he carefully drew her soul over to Paradise and everlasting peace and rest.  Our God is an awesome God.  He is to be worshiped and adored.  I will stay on earth as long as God wants me to but I have to tell you...my bag's already packed for heaven.  All I need I have and what I have is a ransom note from Jesus saying He's paid for my ticket to heaven.  He's prepared a place for me.  He's written my name in the book of life along with Lynda Taylor Smith.  The only bag I need to pack for heaven is already there and you want to know something?  I cannot wait to get to my final destination.

Three weeks on earth can seem like an eternity but it isn't.  The Bible says years and years in eternity are only a blink of an eye.  41 years on earth in less than desirable circumstances seems like a lot when you're a mom watching the suffering but the comfort is knowing that in eternity that too was just a blink of an eye.  Eternity stretches forever and forever and is more than a human can really grasp.  There is really only one important thing to grasp and that is the hand of Jesus that was nailed to the cross for our sins.  Eternity isn't a choice.  It's going to happen.  In fact the minute we were born we began eternity because our soul will live forever.  The choice about eternity is where we choose to spend it.  I see heaven with pearly gates and roads of gold but I see standing in front of those things my Jesus who is the real entry to heaven.  If you've made him your savior, He's going to smile and say to the Father, "This one's with me".  If you have not given your life to Jesus you have made a choice nevertheless and that is to hear Jesus say "I don't know you" and I believe all of the Bible and it teaches us that just as there is a heaven there is also a hell.  If you haven't made your arrangements for your eternity...it's way more important than pre-planning a funeral.  Pre-Plan eternity by giving your life to Jesus and knowing that without a doubt you have a home in heaven.

The best is yet to come.  Lynda's life became perfect with the last breath she took 21 days ago on this earth.  I celebrate with her...  I thank God for her...and I can't wait to see her again!

Lynda's Sweet Voice

God continues to bless us in so many ways.  As many of you know (or have read in the blogs) Lynda spoke some words between the ages of three and ten.  I have no videos of Lynda during that time because they weren't available yet.  I had one video with a short clip that was used in a Title XX news article that was aired in Jackson but through the years I've lost it and there are no players available to show it anyway.  So, the only thing I had was a cassette of her saying Nana and some of her other words and laughing.  For 30 years I have kept that cassette in by dresser drawer.  Then we moved and I put it into a box and didn't find it again until last summer when we were organizing boxes in the new storage building.  I didn't really realize that it was in the bottom of the box that I sat on the back porch AND I didn't realize that the back porch leaked.  So the treasured cassette sat in water for a week or so before I realized what it was and headed inside to try and dry it without destroying the 30 year old tape.

It has sat in a bowl in my kitchen on a shelf for almost a year.  I've been afraid to even try it to see if it still worked.  Last night, I decided I had to know.  Russ went to mother's house and borrowed her cassette recorder and we prayed and played the tape while recording it on the laptop.  Sometimes a tape is so fragile that it may play only one time, if at all.  The quality wasn't great but the sweet voice that was laughing and saying Nana was perfect.  I hadn't remembered that we had made that cassette to try and get Lynda to say as much as we could coax out of her so it had added bonuses that are treasures and reminders of the little girl that came to live with Larry and me 39 years ago.  It was bittersweet that Larry's voice was on that same tape talking to the little girl he loved so much.  It was before either Kevin or Kristopher were born but packed along with Lynda's cassette was a tape of Kris singing happy birthday to me and another one of Kevin at about 5 singing happy birthday to me.  The final tape was of the two boys when they were about 6 and 3 singing Christmas carols and occasionally fighting about something.  These tapes made me cry but it was because I was laughing so hard and so happy to hear Lynda's sweet voice again.  I will share it in the blog later when we get the noise removed as much as possible.

Thank you God for protecting Lynda all of these years and for protecting the only recording I have of my little girl talking.  You are such a loving Father who never takes your eyes off even the tiniest sparrow.

Lynda's Granddaddy Anderson

Today would be my Daddy's 93rd birthday.  He died on January 13, 2000.  There were very few people who loved Lynda as much as her Daddy and I did but my Mother and Daddy did.  I know that when I told my parents that I was going to be the foster parent of a three year old with life-threatening seizures and who was as swift as lightning...they must have had  some worries about their daughter taking on such a huge responsibility at the age of 22.  I don't ever remember them questioning why I was doing it though.  I think they just knew.  Then when they met Lynda they embraced her as their first grandchild without reservation.

Lynda had very good receptive language.  If you told her to go to her room and get her blanket she could do that.  She understood many things spoken to her.  She just could not speak in more than a few words.  However, she made very good use of the words she had.  Some words had multiple meanings like "kitty kitty" was an four legged animal.  If we passed a pasture full of cows, Lynda would say "kitty kitty" but she didn't do it for anything but an animal.  She called me "Nana" which was what mama sounded like with her thumb in her mouth.  She called Larry "Da Da".  Now the really cool part of Lynda's language was that she combined her words for new meanings.  We now teach children to do the same thing with picture symbol systems like PECS.  Lynda said "Hot" in an appropriate way.  She also said "Bye Bye" appropriately.  On her own, she coined a name for Grandmother Anderson which was "Nana Hot" because she always cooked Lynda's favorite foods when she came to visit and she called Granddaddy Anderson "Da-Da Bye-Bye" because he took her for rides in the car, the wheelbarrow or anything else with wheels.  She used the words consistently.  In essence she created her own system of language for the limited number of words she had.  She learned to say "Howdy" to Billy Reynolds who drove the Scott Center van each day but it was like her little brain could only hold in memory eight words or so and the last one in was the first one to go if a new one was added.

All this little white headed streak of lightening had to say was "Da-Da Bye-Bye" and she was being buckled into her car seat and off for a ride in the country to see all of the "kitty kittys".  With her was her big twin size purple blanket and of course, her thumb that was always available.  Daddy often called her "inda" because that was what one of the older women who babysat her called her.  It just stuck with Daddy and he'd call to see how "inda" was doing.  They would travel from Booneville to Brewton for Daddy to spend a few days and leave Mother to spend even more.  That's when he learned to cook for himself.  Mother wrote directions for how to cook beans and cornbread.  Sometimes he'd call and ask directions for doing another dish.  When cleaning up mother's house last summer I found the cards he kept with his "recipes", most of which were learned while he was keeping house in Booneville so mother could spend more time helping me in Brewton.

Daddy wrote me a letter many years before he passed away telling me how thankful he was that I had adopted Lynda because he felt she wouldn't have lived much longer if she had been placed in the Partlow State School.  I cherish that letter and the memories I have of him with Lynda.  Kevin and Kristopher came along and there was certainly room in his heart for two more grandchildren but Lynda was special and until she suffered a stroke at the age of 10 she was the only one who called him "Da-Da Bye-Bye"...a name he cherished.

When she arrived in Paradise, I know he said "Well, there's ole "inda" and I wish I could see the expressions on both of their faces.  I know they don't have their new bodies yet but I know that in the bosom of Abraham each person knows who the people are because we have the example of Lazarus being asked by the rich man to bring him water.

I don't know if birthdays are celebrated in Paradise since everyday is a celebration but I do know that there are two people happy to see each other again and rest in the arms of Jesus together. 

Lynda's Blog Begins

Lynda Taylor Smith was born on September 21, 1971 in Brewton, Alabama as Linda Jo Taylor.  She became the foster child of Larry and Kathy Anderson Smith (Lamb) on January 22, 1975.  She was legally adopted three years later and became Lynda Taylor Smith.  Lynda suffered a massive stroke on January 23, 1981.  For 30 years she lived without being able to speak yet God used Lynda in mighty ways.  On August 3, 2013 Lynda left this world and entered Paradise.  Her life touched many hearts.  I have been blessed to be Lynda's mother and she has changed my life in more ways that I can even count.  If you have known Lynda you will remember many of the things I blog about.  If you have never met her you meet her through her stories.  She was a precious gift from God.

I have shared many posts on facebook about Lynda and decided to begin a blog and transfer all of these stories about Lynda to it in celebration of Lynda's life.  I'll put the date on the actual entry since the blog will date them on the date I add them rather than the date created.

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"See that you do not look down on one of these little ones.  For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven."  Matthew 18:10  NIV

The Litmus Test For Society's Hearts

August 17 near Booneville

I realize now that I should have started a blog about Lynda instead of taking up so much space on facebook but it wasn't a planned idea to write about her so much...it has been what God has led me to do. Russ and I have a blog, facebook, google+ and every other social media possible called Two Lambs Teaching. We have only posted on it three times because of the lack of interest we had in that compared to what was going on with Lynda. We are going to move copy all of the posts about Lynda to that site and you can follow us there if you'd like to. I'll give you more information about how to do it when we get it ready. When finances allow, we're going to start a blog specifically about Lynda. I will never exhaust the "Lynda stories" because everything around me reminds me of her. I believe one of the many reasons Lynda was placed on this earth was so that her story could be told. God is in every detail of her existence from being knit in her mother's womb to returning to Paradise to be in the arms of Jesus. He knew her and called her friend. We knew her and called her a gift. I truly believe when we have the veil lifted and we understand all things ONE of the things we will understand is the children and adults the world calls disabled are the ones God called perfect from the beginning. I also imagine that they were placed on earth for an important reason that will be revealed. Like entertaining angels unaware, giving a cup of water to someone in need and being told it is the same as giving a cup of water to Jesus...these special creations are in my opinion a test for mankind. How we treat the weakest of God's creations is a litmus test for the condition of our society's hearts. God has always used the weak and powerless to magnify HIS powers. Why else do you think he sent His own son to be born in a manger and a humble girl and carpenter to be His earthly parents. Why did He choose the tax collector to be an apostle or Saul who persecuted Christians to become one of the great characters of the Bible as Paul? You will never find an example in the Bible where God chose the self-sufficient to be an example for us to follow. I thank God that he uses weak and broken people. I'm so glad that He is in control and that satan has already been defeated. I am so glad that He allowed me to be Lynda's mother for 39 years. Rest easy in the bosom of Abraham, my love. Can't wait to see you again.

Lynda Taylor Smith Memorial Video

Kathy Anderson Lamb shared a link.

August 16 near Booneville

http://video.mbdkeepsakes.com/video/72452962

Lynda Taylor Smith

4th Day at School

Kathy Anderson Lamb

August 15

Today (our fourth day at school) Russ was taking books and things out of a box and found the picture of Lynda that we had searched the house for before the visitation last week. I have no doubt that God placed it in this totally unrelated place for us to find because I have looked and looked and finally said "Lord, you're going to have to just put it some place I can see it". God is so awesome!

This is such a precious picture to me. The baby is Linda Jo Taylor. I'm guessing she was about 2 months old. The little girl holding her is her biological sister, Brenda Kay Taylor. She was about two years older than Lynda. The family lived in Brewton, Alabama and Lynda was born September 21, 1971. She weighed 9 lbs. 14 oz. which we know now often poses as many health problems as a premature baby might have. Lynda had about as many strikes against being born healthy as a child could have. The information I have about her birth I gained from the Department of Human Services and Lynda's medical records. Lynda's mother also Brenda Kay Taylor stated in reports to the social workers that Lynda's father Billy Jo Taylor hit her with a boot in the stomach while she was pregnant. The doctors also think that she might have contracted rubella while pregnant. During the birth, the cord was wrapped around her throat leading to anoxia. She was born hypoglycemic and when she was less than a day old was airlifted to the Sacred Heart Children's Hospital in Pensacola. She had a heart catherization done and began having seizures when she was just a few days old.

In this picture, I can tell that she was loved. Look at the little bow in her hair. Brenda and Linda both were dressed really cute and someone (I'm guessing their mom) took them somewhere to have a photograph made. Linda began to have more and more seizures. She had many developmental delays. Her mother told the social workers that when she tried to teach Linda to feed herself, he would get so angry that Linda couldn't do it that he would throw her food against the wall. Linda was on two medications for seizures and the doctors who delivered her and cared for her in Brewton wrote in her medical reports that the parents had been urged repeatedly to not take her off of the anticonvulsants but almost every December around Christmas time, Linda would enter the emergency room and be admitted to the hospital having seizures. When she was hospitalized, the nurses took turns staying with her because no family stayed. Linda was very, very hyperactive and had no fear. I know that she was a challenge for two young parents with two young children. Brenda had mild delays but nothing compared to her baby sister. I think a good bit of the time the family lived with Billy Jo's mother and father.

When Lynda was a little over three years old, her mother took her to the Mobile Police Department and dropped her off. She didn't tell anyone she was leaving her. She just dropped her off and she disappeared. Billy Jo was somehow contacted and picked her up and he and his mother (emphasis on the grandmother) tried raising the two girls. More seizures and a father that had no patience for a child with disabilities and Linda was voluntarily into foster care.

Now this is the amazing way that our God operates. At the same time that this precious little girl was placed into foster care, a 22 year old woman who had just moved to Brewton went to the welfare department before the boxes were unpacked and asked about adopting a child with special needs or a sibling group (thank you Lord for not giving me all of the children I would have taken). I was told that my husband and I were not eligible to adopt a child because we could have biological children of our own. I asked where these children that no one wanted would end up and was told The Partlow State School which I later learned was under court order for the death of several clients (and remained under court order for many years). I was dumbfounded that they would rather send a three year old to a state institution than let a couple adopt even if they were able to have children. I was told over and over that this was the law in Alabama. No exceptions. So she told me about foster care and I said "sure" and began the process of a home study. A few days after everything was approved, we got a call that I will never forget. The social worker said "We have a little girl that I doubt you would be interested in. She's deaf and has some kind of seizures. You're not interested are you?" I said, "Well, yes. When would it be?" I was told by the voice on the other end of the phone, "Tomorrow" and not much more. "Tomorrow" was our 4th wedding anniversary and we decided to go to Pensacola that night to get some clothes and toys for a child that all we knew about was that she was deaf and had seizures. We bought a giant Raggedy Ann doll for her to sleep with and some pjs in a couple of sizes because we were guessing. After 39 years, I can still remember what movie we watched...The Towering Inferno. We figured it might be a while before we went out to the movies again with a new child. We had NO idea how right we were.

I'll tell you more about her first hours of her first day in another post. As you can tell, when we adopted her three years later, we changed her name to Lynda Taylor Smith. This is really the purpose of my post. I have met Lynda's father and grandmother. Not too impressed with either one during the three years of foster care. I've looked for her mother for years to tell her how thankful I am that she took Lynda to the police station. I'd like to tell her how thankful I am that she didn't allow her husband to further abuse Lynda. I would love to put my arms around her and tell her how brave I think she was to try and take care of the two girls...one of which was severely developmentally delayed...not deaf but autistic. Some "type of seizures" turned out to be multiple types resulting in status epilepticus that always required emergency treatment. This young mother made the right choice. In my opinion she is a hero and I often wonder where she is and what became of her. I wish I could tell her how loved her little girl was and how much joy Lynda brought to our lives. I know she loved Lynda and because of this I have always loved Lynda's biological mother. I hope she has had a good life. I hope she has made Christ her savior so she can meet Lynda again one day.

3rd Day of School

Kathy Anderson Lamb

August 14 near Booneville

We completed our third day of school. I have to say that the caring attitude of the folks we work with has really helped us get through the transition back into school. I'll have to say that today was a difficult one from the beginning of the day. I think I am just worn out but I am gratified to accomplish a goal or two each day. I have to say that if Russ wasn't right there with me, I would not be able to do this. I am not staying alone any part of the day. I don't drive. I'm just going on God's grace and strength and wonderful memories of my little girl who lived to be almost 42 years old but was forever a child.

Our classrooms are about where you can walk through them safely. LOL Thank you for your continued concern and prayers. We appreciate them more than we can express.

Lynda's Pictures Growing Up

Kathy Anderson Lamb

August 13

Lynda Taylor Smith (10 photos)

These are pictures of Lynda when she was growing up. Just a few of a zillion taken through the years and the ones that didn't make prime time are pretty funny and are some sweet memories.
 

2nd Day at School

Kathy Anderson Lamb

August 13 near Booneville

Russ and I spent all day at school today. We were able to work out our very complicated schedules for our students working around rotation, recess, lunch and certain instructional periods that no child can be pulled from. It gets pretty interesting. LOL Of course, when you teach resource classes, your schedule changes almost as quickly as it comes out of the printer. LOL Got hugs from my kids who are in 3rd grade this year and that's good medicine. Two of my students who are in a self-contained classroom this year left me pictures they colored on my desk. School is a very therapeutic for me but honestly right now I'm exhausted by noon. Fibromyalgia is pretty relentless when stress is involved.

I was sitting here writing this and noticed a couple of hives on my arm. Then my back. Luckily I have cortisone. I DO NOT need hives. Oh, the person who maintains the cemetery in Booneville filled in the grave on Monday. She went back and filled it in the next day too. All of the rain is keeping her busy but I'm so thankful that she is taking such good care of it. Be glad when we can put sod on it but that's not going to be for a while.

Looking forward to tomorrow. We are beginning to be able to actually see the floors in our rooms. We have one more big paperwork thing to do tomorrow. I have to have a goal and lucky for me, teaching special education is just full of things to do!
Thank you for your continued prayers. We can feel them.

1st Day Back at School

Kathy Anderson Lamb

August 12 near Booneville

It Russ and I went back to school today for a half-day. I had to really do some talking to myself to give it a try. Luckily my principal is so supportive and has told us to take as much time as we need. That motivates me to try harder. I had two goals for today--visit all of the classrooms that had our resource students and introduce Russ to the second grade teachers and his new students. The second was to meet with our principal for her to bring us up to date on all of the meetings we missed. We did both of those and by 11:30 I was exhausted mentally and physically. It was so good to see everyone.

After lunch we headed for Oxford to the hospital to get a copy of Lynda's records and copies of her xrays, CAT scans and anything else that was done. My main goal was to see the tumors they found in her abdomen. Everyone was really kind and a radiologist took time to interpret the CAT scan and show us how large the tumor was. The tumor was massive. It most likely began as ovarian cancer but there's no way to know for sure. It had grown to her upper abdomen. Apparently it was a fast growing type of cancer and if it was ovarian cancer the doctor said many people don't experience pain which is exactly what this mother wanted to hear. I have no idea if the blood clots in her leg were related to the cancer but according to the records we read, that physician felt she had probably had some clots in that leg for years.

It helped to see the scans and at the same time it broke my heart. It was a full day. I'll try again tomorrow.

Grief

Kathy Anderson Lamb

August 10 near Booneville

Thank you for all of your sweet words of comfort. They are appreciated. Apparently my body needs more than one day to rest. LOL Today was really the first day I've done that. God says that in our weakness His strength is demonstrated. That is certainly true for me right now. Grief is a necessary part of living. It isn't particularly pleasant so we don't really want to do it. Grief isn't the same thing as worry and it certainly isn't an indicator of our faith. Even Jesus prayed in the garden that if God was willing, to take this cup (death on the cross) away from him but finished with but nevertheless not my will but your will be done.

I don't worry about where Lynda is or who she is with. I know the answer to that. I believe, as Becky said God gives us a little grief at a time because we would be overwhelmed to have it all dumped on us at once. In addition, I believe God shelters us from so much of the grief by carrying us through the darkest days. God is carrying me and I am thankful that He is. I spent almost 40 years with Lynda in my life...worrying about her, taking care of her, loving her. As I have said before in my testimony about being Lynda's mother, some of my closest moments with God have come from my experiences in taking care of His special child. I turned Lynda completely over to Him immediately because I knew parenting her was going to take daily miracles that only He could provide. He has never failed me or her although many times I did not understand why things turned out the way they did (e.g., lactose intolerance that prevented Lynda from eating her favorite foods, a stroke when she was ten and child abuse two different times while she was my daughter). I did cry out to God when I sat by Lynda's bed after the stroke as she cried for month after month and I asked "God, I've done what you've asked. Where were you when Lynda needed you?" and I heard his gently reply...I was exactly the same place as when my own son died for you."

From that day on I looked at life differently and I still do. I have a tremendous faith that God is in control and I am so thankful that He is making the decisions like when it was time for Lynda to give up this earthly existence. I am thankful that she is no longer in pain. I am thrilled that she is in Paradise with Jesus. I look forward to getting to see her again when Jesus comes again and gathers us up into the clouds. But like Mary and Martha at the death of Lazarus, I am sad. The Bible says even Jesus wept and He was able to raise Lazarus from the dead. Jesus wept. He felt sadness for his friends who were experiencing a loss.

I know that I will be okay but grief comes in waves and like Brooke said, it's unexpected. I have experienced those waves for Rylee at the most unexpected times. I have felt my breath almost knocked out of my body when something reminded me of my Daddy who passed away 13 years ago. I know I will do the same with Lynda. I don't want to forget her so I'll take the sadness of saying good-bye for a time and along with it the occasional days that are hard to walk through. I certainly covet your prayers as I navigate this new chapter in my life.

Never Knew It Would Be This Hard

Kathy Anderson Lamb

August 10 near Booneville

I never thought it would be this hard. I guess I thought with the power of positive thinking, I would escape the deep place that I find myself in now. Even the knowledge that Lynda is with Jesus in Heaven, that she is not in pain and the fact that I would never want her to continue on earth in the condition she was in doesn't comfort me today. There is absolutely nothing anyone can say that makes this sadness go away. Yes, I know with time it will be easier. I've experienced loss before. Right now though things like the fact that the flood from yesterday caused the grave to sink about a foot with all of the flowers that had only been on the grave a day floating in water...something that really isn't important just adds one more shade of black to the darkness I feel. Someone at the cemetery will fix it Monday.

So I'm trying to sleep and give my mind and body both a chance to rest. I'm hoping I'm able to get up Monday and put one foot in front of the other and go back to school to my students. I can't wait to see them and all of my colleagues at NPES. Today it takes too much energy to walk across the room. Maybe tomorrow...

Lynda Taylor Smith Memorial Fund

Kathy Anderson Lamb

August 9 near Booneville

We have had lots of questions about how to make a donation to Lynda's memorial fund. There are two ways. One, send it to the FNB Main Branch
101 Courthouse Square
Oxford, MS 38655
and designate on the envelope as well as the check that it is for:
The Lynda Taylor Smith Memorial Fund

OR

You can mail it to me at

903 West Church Street
Booneville, MS 38829

and I will deposit it into The Lynda Taylor Smith Memorial Fund.

When we reach the total to purchase the picnic table and covering for a portion of the playground, I will order the items and present them to Scott Center in Lynda's name cutting out the red tape that we often experienced when I taught there.

I hope to come up with a great fund raiser in the future because I would like to continue to keep the fund alive and one day begin a scholarship program for special education teachers at Ole Miss. If I do write a book about Lynda's life and am lucky enough to get it published, I will use the majority of the profit for Lynda's "fund". Who knows what God has in mind? Can't wait to find out!

Frustrations...These Too Will Pass

Kathy Anderson Lamb

August 9 near Booneville

Well, this has been a generally frustrating day for a person who isn't exactly in the prime place to handle frustrations. They're not anything anyone did on purpose but I had my heart set on seeing both of these today...kind of as steps toward closure of the funeral process. First, the Booneville paper is a weekly paper that only comes out on Thursday. We went by the cemetery this morning and then went to pick up a paper. We turned to the obits and immediately saw our friend Betty Jo Downs' obituary who passed away the afternoon that Lynda died in the morning. Lynda's obituary wasn't there. Then we went to Pontotoc to look at monument options and were astounded by the prices. The biggie, however was going by the funeral home to pick up the video of the service and finding it had not been recorded. I am heartsick. I so wanted Brother Gary's remarks and Bro Allen's songs. There was some miscommunication and there's absolutely nothing that can be done to change it. We were skyping with Kris and he has some audio (poor quality) but it didn't record the video. No sense to dwell on it.

When I look at the big picture, all that matters is that Lynda is no longer in pain AND she is with Jesus---literally with Jesus! Looking at His face, feeling his arms around her, talking to Him! It makes me so grateful to God for sending His only son and at the same time, I am in awe that Jesus was willing to take my sins and those of all believers to the cross. Because of this grace I can someday stand before God as blameless and pure as Lynda is. When God looks at me He will see Jesus who took my sins and because of this God will see me pure and blameless as Jesus is. It's certainly not because I deserve it. There is absolutely nothing that I have done or could do to earn my ticket to heaven. My big brother Jesus made all of the travel arrangements for me. He paid the price and He's got every detail ready for me in heaven. He told me He was going to prepare a place for Lynda, and for me and for all believers who have put their lives and trust into Him as a personal savior. It just blows me away to think that when I arrive in heaven and meet God, Jesus is going to be there to say "This one's with me". I paid the price for her.

I adopted Lynda when she was a little over three years old. If we belong to Jesus, we are all adopted sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father. Now this should blow your mind to think that the creator of the universe, King of Kings is OUR Father and his son is our brother! We have watched the future prince of England in awe of the wealth he will inherit just by being born into the family of royalty. Well, guess what? SO AM I. I am the daughter of the King and joint heirs with Jesus. So is Lynda. So are you if you've allowed Jesus to save you by grace by giving your life's control to Him and trusting Him to meet your every need. You and I are adopted with a big brother willing to give His life for us. That big brother carried Lynda into Paradise and when the time comes, He will do the same for me. I hope my mansion is next door to Lynda's. I'm sure hers will be the most beautiful on the block.

So when the frustrations of the day threaten to unravel my calm, I try to think about the one who can provide the peace that is beyond all understanding. When I worry about how much funerals and monuments cost here on earth, I remember this is temporary. God's kingdom is forever and Lynda is in her true "forever" home. The cost for that is already paid for with blood and a cross. Tomorrow will probably be a better day but regardless...Lynda is perfect and one day I will be too...all because of Jesus.

Spit in satan's Eyes

Kathy Anderson Lamb

August 9 near Booneville

Today is a new day full of God's tender mercies. We got a good night's sleep which goes a long way in being able to handle the frustrations and unexpected curve balls satan tries to throw. He is angry for sure because Lynda is in heaven and he can't use her to torture those of us who love her anymore. Sure, he'll find other ways but we know his days are numbered and we know how the story ends. Jesus triumphant... satan defeated. Just makes you want to spit in his eyes doesn't it? Well do it! Read your Bible. Say a prayer. Do something good for someone else. satan hates it and in essence you're spitting in his eyes. Go for it! It feels GOOD!!!

Happy BIRTH Day, Lynda!

Kathy Anderson Lamb

August 7

It is not often that you see a casket with balloons tied to it in the back of a hearse but Lynda had them. At the end of her service this morning, we sang her favorite song...Happy Birthday! It was the all purpose song for Lynda. When we wanted to get her to smile for a picture, we sang Happy Birthday which she would end with a big smile and clapping. We sang it to her to get her to stop doing something that she didn't need to be doing (like sliding down in her chair and trying to get any part of her clothes off). We sang it to her in the ICU and even though her hands were restrained to prevent her from pulling out the vent and central line, there was still one hand trying to clap. I sang it to her as she was leaving this world and heading to paradise. So, it just seemed appropriate to end the service today with everyone standing and singing a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday complete with clapping and cheers. Lynda's BIRTH day was three days ago and on that day I have no doubt the angels were singing. I wouldn't be surprised if one of the songs they sang was Happy Birthday because they, after all know it's her favorite song. When we completed the graveside service, we all took a balloon and released it into the gentle breeze as Russ said "God bless you Lynda". He HAS blessed her and us as well. The white and clear balloons were beautiful against the blue, blue sky. You could see the strings even until the balloons were just specks in the sky. Lynda would have loved the day back when she was on earth. Now this all pales in comparison to the celebration of her life that she is receiving in heaven. Job well done, Lynda. You will be missed by many people. We love you.

Lynda's Visitation

Kathy Anderson Lamb

August 6 near Booneville

I want to thank everyone who shared their time with us tonight to reflect on the time they spent with Lynda throughout the years. It was a blessing to us to see so many familiar faces and catch up on what's been going on since we last spoke. There is one thing I know for sure and that is no matter how long it's been since friends were together, they can pick right up like it was yesterday.

Lynda looked just like she was sleeping. I kept waiting for her to move her head from side to side like she did while in ICU. I sat and looked at her body trying to memorize every feature (as if I could forget a single detail). You are never prepared really. Even with years of knowing that any number of things could compromise Lynda's health, it is overwhelming when it happens. Yet as I looked at her body and all of the pictures of her growing up surrounding her, the fact never escaped me that Lynda is not here. That body is just what she used while on this earth for almost 42 years.

For the first time since I met Lynda in 1975, I don't have to pray that Lynda will be safe, seizure-free or anything else. Lynda is with our heavenly Father and is perfect in every way. Can you imagine living for almost 42 years unable to communicate for 30 of those years? Now picture a new Lynda in heaven---speaking, communicating, laughing and having all of eternity to do it in.

I thank God for sharing Lynda with me. Being Lynda's mother was one of the most wonderful experiences I have ever had. God was never far away. He promised to equip me with what I needed andhe did over and beyond what I could imagine. Tomorrow we will say our final farewell to Lynda as we knew her. I can't wait to see her again in heaven. Even before she died, I looked forward to us both being in heaven so I could talk to her and hear her sweet voice again. I'm glad you're in heaven, Lynda. You deserve the best of the best.

Flowers for Lynda

Kathy Anderson Lamb

August 5 near Booneville

We have just returned from Oxford and I think we have accomplished everything on our list. Flowers, pictures, things from NMRC, opening a memorial fund at FNB in Oxford for Lynda. Busy day but we enjoyed every minute of doing things for Lynda. I think this was the first time I've ever bought flowers for her. No proms or occasions for flowers that I remember...maybe graduation at Scott Center. It was nice to design an arrangement of flowers for Lynda's celebration service.

The memorial at FNB in Oxford is The Lynda Taylor Smith Memorial Fund which I'm planning to use to purchase a picnic table and a permanent cover for a portion of the playground at Scott Center. Other projects such as the Autism Center of North Mississippi in Tupelo are high on my list. I want to continue to supply the fund through the years to come through additional funding sources but first things first.

I haven't looked at the weather forecast for Wednesday in Booneville. I sure hope it doesn't rain. Well, I'm going to force my body to rest for a few minutes. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support. We appreciate it so much.

In Memory Of Lynda

In Memory of Lynda Taylor Smith

August 3 in Oxford, MS

Daughter

Lynda was born on September 21, 1971 in Brewton, Al and came to live with Larry and Kathy Smith on January 22, 1975. Lynda was legally adopted three years later and the family moved back to Oxford, MS where Lynda attended the Oxford Child Development Center (now Scott Center).