Riptides and Memories...

I haven't written a post in a while.  It's certainly not because Lynda hasn't been on my mind.  I can't really explain the place I have been in the grieving process but I imagine some of you who have walked this road before me will understand.  Even though I have been able to express my thoughts and feelings about Lynda and all that was and is associated with her, there came a time about Christmas that I just could not do it any more.  I felt like I was in the movie "A Christmas Carol" where the three ghosts were visiting Scrooge and he was being shown the Christmas of Christmas Past.  He told the spirit to remove him because he could not bear it any more.

Especially at Christmas I have such bittersweet memories and while I wouldn't take anything for each one,  I found especially this Christmas I had to be so careful with my heart.  I was explaining to someone the other day that one of the things you realize when you lose a loved one is that the pictures you have right now at this moment are all that will ever be taken.  Lynda didn't always enjoy having her picture made (and that's such a nice way of putting it) so I don't have tons of pictures to begin with.  When I was gathering pictures for the funeral I had to stop looking after a short period of time and plan the rest of the service.  I put the boxes back into storage.  I have looked at each picture that I have out a zillion times.  I'm now ready to go through the boxes again and try to find every single picture that I have ever taken.

Grief is a strange emotion that changes like a chameleon.  It washes over you like a wave.  It ebbs and flows and sometimes there are rip currents that aren't expected.  It can happen even in the shallow part of the water.  Even a good swimmer  has to be vigilant about going into the ocean.  Regardless of the potential dangers,  the gentle waves of the ocean and the soft warm sand is comforting and makes me happy.  Grief has a similar effect when dealing with  the memories of a loved one.  Sometimes it is gentle and at other times, it causes us to gather our memories close to our hearts to avoid drowning in the depth of just how deep the grief can actually be.  Sometimes our life preserver is to just hold our loved one in our heart without sharing a single memory with another living soul.  I don't know why.  Like the advice given to swimmers caught in the riptide to just swim parallel with the coast and not try to fight the force that is trying to pull them down...dealing grief is similar.  It goes against what our first instincts are and that is to fight it.  Slowly we learn to just swim parallel to the coast until we are out of the downward pull of the riptide.  Then, we take a deep breath, dry ourselves off and in a few days venture back into the water.

So, I've dried myself off and survived the swim out of the rough waters yet again.  I'll go back into the ocean of memories because it's one of my favorite places in the world but I know that it's not safe to swim alone.  Sharing Lynda's stories and memories feels like the warm sun is shining down with  a soft breeze blowing off the ocean.  I can close my eyes and for just a little while I'm there and so is she.

Dancing With Jesus...

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? And how much more fun it is when holding the hand of a loving adult. Dancing with Jesus would be a treat for any little girl, but for disabled little girls with limited mobility (as was the child for whom this was drawn), such an opportunity would represent the joy and perfection of Heaven itself. “”…let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise his name in the dance.” (Psalms 149:3) - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? And how much more fun it is when holding the hand of a loving adult. Dancing with Jesus would be a treat for any little girl, but for disabled little girls with limited mobility (as was the child for whom this was drawn), such an opportunity would represent the joy and perfection of Heaven itself. “”…let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise his name in the dance.” (Psalms 149:3) - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? And how much more fun it is when holding the hand of a loving adult. Dancing with Jesus would be a treat for any little girl, but for disabled little girls with limited mobility (as was the child for whom this was drawn), such an opportunity would represent the joy and perfection of Heaven itself. “”…let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise his name in the dance.” (Psalms 149:3) - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? And how much more fun it is when holding the hand of a loving adult. Dancing with Jesus would be a treat for any little girl, but for disabled little girls with limited mobility (as was the child for whom this was drawn), such an opportunity would represent the joy and perfection of Heaven itself. “”…let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise his name in the dance.” (Psalms 149:3) - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? And how much more fun it is when holding the hand of a loving adult. Dancing with Jesus would be a treat for any little girl, but for disabled little girls with limited mobility (as was the child for whom this was drawn), such an opportunity would represent the joy and perfection of Heaven itself. “”…let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise his name in the dance.” (Psalms 149:3) - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? And how much more fun it is when holding the hand of a loving adult. Dancing with Jesus would be a treat for any little girl, but for disabled little girls with limited mobility (as was the child for whom this was drawn), such an opportunity would represent the joy and perfection of Heaven itself. “”…let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise his name in the dance.” (Psalms 149:3) - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? And how much more fun it is when holding the hand of a loving adult. Dancing with Jesus would be a treat for any little girl, but for disabled little girls with limited mobility (as was the child for whom this was drawn), such an opportunity would represent the joy and perfection of Heaven itself. “”…let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise his name in the dance.” (Psalms 149:3) - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? And how much more fun it is when holding the hand of a loving adult. Dancing with Jesus would be a treat for any little girl, but for disabled little girls with limited mobility (as was the child for whom this was drawn), such an opportunity would represent the joy and perfection of Heaven itself. “”…let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise his name in the dance.” (Psalms 149:3) - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? And how much more fun it is when holding the hand of a loving adult. Dancing with Jesus would be a treat for any little girl, but for disabled little girls with limited mobility (as was the child for whom this was drawn), such an opportunity would represent the joy and perfection of Heaven itself. “”…let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise his name in the dance.” (Psalms 149:3) - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

This is a drawing of a little girl spinning and twirling with Jesus.  The original  drawing was drawn for a little girl with limited mobility.  The opportunity for her to be able to dance with Jesus represents the joy and perfection of heaven itself.  It is true for Lynda, too.  Limited after her stroke for the last thirty years of her life, she could no longer more with the agility that she did as a little girl.  In heaven, I imagine her dancing with Jesus with a perfect body that can glide and move with the skill of the most beautiful ballerina.  Her energy and joy comes from holding the hand of the savior.  What an amazing day it will be to be able to look into the eyes of Jesus who loves us enough to come to earth to secure our place in heaven with Him forever.  

As heaven celebrates the birth of our savior, I cannot imagine how magnificent heaven is but I know that Lynda is there enjoying  her second Christmas in heaven with Jesus and maybe even singing Oh Holy Night with her Dad.  I cannot wait to see her dance her way into my arms again.

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? And how much more fun it is when holding the hand of a loving adult. Dancing with Jesus would be a treat for any little girl, but for disabled little girls with limited mobility (as was the child for whom this was drawn), such an opportunity would represent the joy and perfection of Heaven itself. “”…let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise his name in the dance.” (Psalms 149:3) - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? And how much more fun it is when holding the hand of a loving adult. Dancing with Jesus would be a treat for any little girl, but for disabled little girls with limited mobility (as was the child for whom this was drawn), such an opportunity would represent the joy and perfection of Heaven itself. “”…let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise his name in the dance.” (Psalms 149:3) - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? And how much more fun it is when holding the hand of a loving adult. Dancing with Jesus would be a treat for any little girl, but for disabled little girls with limited mobility (as was the child for whom this was drawn), such an opportunity would represent the joy and perfection of Heaven itself. “”…let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise his name in the dance.” (Psalms 149:3) - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

Pencil drawing of a little girl looking up at Jesus in delight as they dance together. What little girl doesn’t love to spin and twirl? And how much more fun it is when holding the hand of a loving adult. Dancing with Jesus would be a treat for any little girl, but for disabled little girls with limited mobility (as was the child for whom this was drawn), such an opportunity would represent the joy and perfection of Heaven itself. “”…let the children of Zion be joyful in their King. Let them praise his name in the dance.” (Psalms 149:3) - See more at: http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/heavenly-dance/#sthash.dh29zkIh.dpuf

Lynda Had Someone Who Believed in Her...

This is a true statement but isn't it just as true about all children? It could just as easily read "All children just need a little help, a little hope, and someone who believes in them".  Kids with special needs may need varying degrees of help and that might go over the amount that typically developing children require but all children need hope and someone who believes in them.  The problem for kids with special needs is when someone or a lot of someones have the mind set that there is no hope.  With no hope goes finding people who believe it them.  A lot of this can be prevented or attitudes changed by educating the public about what talents and skills kids with special needs have.  If we look only at the struggles a child may be experiencing in a particular area of development we are going to be less likely to see the same child in a positive light for the many gifts and talents he does have in other areas.

God made us all unique and different and those differences are what make us all special.  We shouldn't strive to make cookie cutter kids who all fit the same mold.  It isn't the way God created us and it's not what's best for our world.  We need people who think outside the box.  People who solve problems in unorthodox ways (and many of our children especially on the autism spectrum) will grow up to be our future scientists, inventors, problem solvers IF we nourish them, believe in them and refrain from trying to make every child fit one mold.

Lynda was loved and cherished for exactly the child God created.  I don't know what plans God had for Lynda but I know He used her in mighty ways even though she was essentially non-verbal most of her life.  Those who loved her and were touched by her life carried her hope into classrooms across the nation and continued to bestow the gift of believing in a child with special needs thus influencing the education and improving the quality of life for many other special people.

I know that for over 40 years, Lynda has been my inspiration and motivation to advocate for the rights and needs of children and adults with special needs of all exceptionalities.  Never give up expecting the world to provide for the needs of our special children.  Where there is hope there is energy to keep fighting for people who can often not speak for themselves.

Never stop believing... especially during this season of love when we celebrate the birth of our Lord who gave the ultimate gift for our hope for eternal life.  He believes in us and was willing to die to secure our futures with Him.  All you have to do is believe and give your heart to Christ.  He will give you eternal hope to us as His children who are all in need of the grace He gives freely when we truly believe.

Have a joyous Christmas season.  You have someone who believes in you!

In the Presence of God...

This is Lynda's second Christmas in heaven.  As I've shopped this year, I still see things that I immediately think "Oh, that will be great for Lynda" quickly followed by the realization that buying her gifts is no longer possible.  Sure, I decorate her grave seasonally but there are no presents under the tree.

I went to a Christmas musical festival at church last night and as I listened to the music and watched the depiction of Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus I let my mind imagine Lynda in heaven in the presence of God.  It literally sent chills down my spine.  Russ and I were sitting in worship amazed at the love of our Father to send His only son for our sins and as I watched this awesome performance I thought of the reality of the story being told on this stage.  Jesus is alive in heaven and Lynda is spending eternity with him because of the events we are seeing portrayed in this musical performance.  As a little girl dressed in white and wearing a halo made of shiny silver tinsel leaned down and kissed the face of the baby Jesus actor I thought of how it is possible that angels kiss the face of my little girl and no matter how wonderful this production was it can in no way compare to heaven and the celebration that goes on there every second of every day of eternity.

What present could I ever give Lynda that compares to the one she received when she died and entered paradise and into the presence of God forever and ever.  My heart was overcome with joy and the peace that passes all understanding.  I am more humbled this Christmas than ever before when I realize how blessed my Lynda is and how one day I will see her again.  Oh, how I miss her but how thrilled I am that she is in the presence of God.  While we all struggle with the injustices of this earth, the imperfections of mankind and the influences of satan around every corner we turn...we can hold fast to the knowledge that Christ has already defeated the evil one and he did so by leaving heaven to become a little baby born in a manger.  Come let us adore Him today and every day and let us look forward to the day we too shall stand in the presence of God.

Pure Sunshine....

I just love to look at this sweet picture.  It is one of my favorites.  This is the picture I see when I close my eyes at night and think about the little girl God blessed me with.  I imagine your joy to be magnified beyond what the human mind and heart can comprehend  You are my sunshine, Lynda and always will be.  Shine on, sweet girl.  Make heaven even brighter because you are there!

Oh How I Miss This Little Girl...

It's December.  I took out the big box of ornaments that years ago I had sorted into bags for each of the five children.  I decorated a Christmas tree just for Kristopher with all of the ornaments he had been given as a child.  I put my hand on the bag that held Lynda's special ornaments and I picked the bag up out of the box.  Just as quickly, I replaced it gingerly without glancing at the treasures that it held.  Some of the ornaments that are on Kris's tree are exact duplicates of the ones that are in Lynda's collection.  Many are the precious homemade treasures with sweet pictures made when she was the age she was in this picture...four years old.  There are four Christmases before Kevin was born and three more before Kristopher joined the family.  Somewhere among Lynda's ornaments is the little pipe cleaner circle that she dipped in glue and rolled in glitter.  It hung proudly on the tree for oh so many years.  I can just imagine that she looked very much like the ornament after it had been completed.  There are ornaments with pictures marking each year and handcrafted treasures from aunts and grandmothers throughout the years.  I watched a Hallmark Christmas movie this week that one of the actor's line was:  "Ornaments are memories hanging on limbs of the tree".  This is so true and everything from the smell of a newly cut tree to the carols that are being sung on the radio reminds me of Christmases past and those always included Lynda front and center.

This picture was made the first Christmas that she lived with us in 1975.  She had been our foster daughter for twelve months and we were head over heels in love with this little girl.  The beautiful tree was wired to the wall so that she couldn't pull it down on top of her and we were not opposed to having ornaments rearranged or taken off to be lined up on the floor.  Oh, to be able to go back to this time when our glass was full and life was just beginning for us with Lynda.  I don't have regrets of looking back and wishing I'd spent more time with her or loved her more or adored her more.  I just miss her.  I want to give her the new Christmas sweater I still have hanging in the closet that was supposed to have been her present for last Christmas.  I want more time.  I want more pictures.  I want more memories.  I want all of my children home for Christmas but Lynda is truly home and I can't be there...yet. 

It's strange the things that bring a parent to their knees after the death of a child.  That moment when you realize that the photographs you have tucked away in boxes and scanned into the computer are the only ones you will ever have.  There will never be a picture of the entire family together again.  You know this, of course from the beginning but it's strange that holidays seem to shove that reality right up into your face and it's a hurt that's new all over again. 

I shop for gifts in the stores and I'm immediately drawn to things that are soft and fuzzy and remind me of Lynda.  I know people in stores wonder why I see a pink fuzzy sweater, touch it and burst into tears.  There are certain parts of stores I just try not to go into and I never pass Lynda's favorite candies without touching the bags and thinking of her.  Memories are so intertwined and woven into our lives and I am thankful for them.  Sometimes like when I look at this picture of the angelic little girl, I smile when I remember the photography experience that day.  Oh, how Christmas brings so many memories back of when all of my children were little and how blessed we were as a family.

Our decorations on earth are so superficial when I imagine what heaven looks like all decked out to honor the king of creation.  I am thrilled that Lynda is celebrating with the angels and has her Daddy and grandparents, siblings and aunts and uncles to love on her.  Most of all she has Jesus who prepared a place for her and received her into paradise a little over a year ago.  Praise God for the birth of a savior.  Happy Birthday Baby Jesus.  I'm so glad you came to redeem us and that you love Lynda so much.

My Daughter Wasn't in Ferguson...She was in Magee...

Ferguson has been in the news and my heart hurts for the parents who lost a son, for the police officer who lost a career, for the business owners who have lost their livelihood, for so many who have lost things that cannot be seen.

I was not there,  I do not know exactly what happened but I do know about injustices and things that are unfair.  I did not lose my child to being in an altercation that resulted in death but I did lose my child through child abuse at the hands of adults that caused her to suffer a massive stroke, die and be revived suffering irreparable brain damage.

Did I wish that there could be justice for Lynda?  Yes, I did.  Did I feel that children with special needs had been discriminated against for years and that it didn't appear on many levels that we were making any progress in equal treatment for individuals with disabilities?  Yes!  A resounding, yes!

I understand how it feels to be disenfranchised because I experienced it with my daughter every day of her life.  I have stood before superintendents of education in a school law graduate level course and had them tell me to my face that my child did not deserve educational funding (or those like her) because they were not contributing members of society and would never be.  How these men could have the crystal ball to know that all of the "typically developing students" they spent their educational dollars on would turn out to be contributing members of society was beyond me.

I experienced utter despair to find my child had been abused and that she would never live the life she had lived previously.  I was thrust into the role of providing around the clock care for a child who would forever remain a child.  Her chances of advancement had been stolen from her.  The child we knew died that day.

So while the circumstances in Ferguson are extremely different from our own situation...there are enough similarities that I stand dumbfounded at the responses of men and women in Ferguson and across the nation to burn and destroy businesses in the town of Ferguson in the name of protest for the loss of this young man.  The business owners had nothing to do with any of the events and to destroy their lives in protest makes no sense.  It makes no more sense than had my husband and I began to rally people to burn and loot businesses in Magee, Mississippi after Lynda's abuse and stroke.

Those participating in the burning and looting did so feeling it was a way to protest inequality of treatment for many years in Ferguson.  I do not know if it is true or not but it is beside the point.  I know for a fact that disabled children were and are mistreated daily.  Their families have to constantly beg for services that should be afforded them strictly because it is the right thing to do.

I don't know what the answer to bridging the gap between the white and black population in Ferguson or in our nation anymore than I know how to assure children with disabilities to receive an equal and equitable education in cities throughout our nation.  I just don't see the correlation between violence and rioting, laying down in the streets on black Friday to protest people shopping and affecting the changes that are needed.

I guess there is a level of control that we parents of children with special needs have to keep in check because if we gave into it, we could burn the cities to the ground if we allowed our hearts to rule and we might somehow be able to spin it as the "right thing to do" because no one was paying attention and a decision was made that seems to only reinforce the fact that our side is always ignored and the bad guys are never punished and things will never change.

As I've said repeatedly, I don't know the answer.  I do know that penalizing innocent people for something they had no control over whatsoever regardless of the hopelessness felt is not the answer.  It is important to affect change.  It's also important to keep our eyes firmly planted on what we are trying to accomplish in affecting that change and not let anger override reason.

I pray for Ferguson.  I still pray for those who were at Millcreek in Magee when they made choices that changed my life forever and that of my daughter.  I hope you will join with me to pray for peace in Ferguson and for God to use what is intended for evil as good.  It's the only real answer.